Noted conservative commentator, Mean Mannity, visited our offices recently and spoke with your correspondent, Edwin Oldman. A transcript follows:
EO: Welcome, Mr. Mannity.
MM: Good to be here, Edwin.
EO: You look pensive, Mr. Mannity. Something on your mind today?
MM: Yeah. I can’t get over the editorial in the Washington Post today. It just goes to show that Liberals are unfit to write editorials.
EO: Which one, Mr. Mannity? Guantanamo, the HUD Secretary, or the Virginia Tech follow-up?
MM: The last one, of course. Democracks are crying wolf about mentally unstable people buying guns at gun shows. Can you believe it?
EO: Well, sure. Liberals tend to say things like that.
MM: But, I mean, really! Guns are not allowed on the Virginia Tech campus; that didn’t stop the killer. Do they think more useless regulation would have stopped him from buying a gun illegally, bringing it on campus illegally and killing people, also illegally?
EO: Yes, but – would you abolish all traffic regulation because people break speed limits and run red lights?
MM: You’re missing my point, Edwin. Regulation is not the way to regulate the conduct of people who don’t obey regulations. No matter what you regulate, the perpetrators will continue to perpetrate their perpetrations.
EO: So, how would you attack the problem?
MM: That’s the spirit.
MM: You need to attack the problem. Just think, if all the students at Virginia Tech, or NIU, had been armed, they could have killed a shooter as soon as he opened fire on one of them. That would have limited the killing to no more than two.
EO: You want to arm all students?
MM: Exactly! That is the free market approach to solving the problem of campus violence. It keeps the government out of our lives and lets the market allocate the deaths the most efficient way.
MM: In the same way, if the TSA arms all passengers as they pass through security –
MM: Kindly don’t interpret me. As I was saying, if only the TSA had the intelligence to arm all passengers before they board the air craft, we won’t need air marshals.
EO: Why not?
MM: How can anyone hijack an airplane full of armed passengers? Unless they can all agree on a destination? Unlikely.
EO: Hmmm…But what about jihadis – you know, suicide hijackers, like suicide bombers? They don’t care if they die, as long as they kill the rest of us.
MM: Oh, Edwin – don’t you see that is a self-correcting problem, with built-in negative feedback? Sooner or later, all suicide attackers will have committed suicide.
EO: But how many people will die in the meantime?
MM: So? You want to bring in Big Government? You sound like a Democrack. Let me assure you, the American people don’t want that.
EO: Oh, you have heard from the American people on this issue?
MM: Sure, I have heard from Lush Dimbaugh, Ann Falter, Snarlton Peston and many others, including Dick “Chuck Yourself” Feney. Well, Edwin, I’m afraid I have to move on. This has been a pleasure but I need to attend a meeting of the local chapter of Noxious Rebellious Assassins.