Reprinted by permission of The Washington Pest
President Warms to Climate Change
By Jean Biergarten
Friday, February 8, 2008
President George W. Tush announced today the establishment of a federal agency, called the National Institute of Complementary and Alternative Sciences (NICAS).
He said, “Like I told y’all in my State of the Onion address, my administration administers climate change very serially. Al Bore may have gotten no Bell prize for it but the proof is in the puddling; we’re actually doing something about it. NICAS will be responsible for monitutoring and mangling new or contraversarial sciences and technologies – like Special Creation, Special Cremation and Special Canceration. Now y’all know I am not a scientist but this gentleman is, so I am going to ask him to tell you all about it.” He then turned the podium over to Albert Eigenstein, Special Advisor to the President (SAP) on Complementary and Alternative Science, who is on leave from Satanford University.
The SAP described the organization chart, mission, vision and goals of NICAS in excruciating and soporific detail. At long last, he took questions from the reporters.
All Creep Journal: “Dr. Eigenstein, why is the Administration, at this late stage, adding another layer of bureaucracy to interfere in the working of the free market and hobble American competitiveness?”
SAP: “Ms. Spencer, you, of all people, should be well aware of the mounting danger of global warming caused by the accumulation of carbon dioxide, derived principally from the burning of fossil fuels and the concurrent depletion of carbon sinks, such as tropical forests, on our planet. Left unattended, this problem has the real potential to drastically impact all American economic activity. What would that do to our competitiveness? As for the free market, it had its chance to address the problem and blew it totally. That’s all behind us now that the Tush Administration has stepped in.”
Fright Wing Noose: “Mr. Advisor, this Administration has less than one year left in office. So, how can you be sure the next administration will continue the efforts that you are launching now with so much effort?”
SAP: “Mr. Hawk, our President knows how the game is played. We are executing reciprocal monitoring posts with the European Union, Japan, Brazil, Russia, India and China. That means, we send our engineers over there to measure carbon emissions and climate impact; their engineers come over here and do the same. Let the next administration – any administration – try to undo that set up and you’ll hear an uproar of international protest, I guarantee it.”
Wisconsin State Urnal: “Al, where will the foreign engineers be stationed in the United States?”
SAP: “ Atlantic City, Las Vegas and Hawaii are the initial locations. We may expand the program to Idaho, Wyoming and Montana in about six months.”
Washington Post: “What actions will NICAS be empowered to take?”
SAP: “Jane, NICAS has the responsibility, and the authority, to fully monitor the adverse effects of climate change, develop scenarios for their impact on the American economy – in five year increments – and propose mitigation strategies. Further, NICAS will oversee the procurement of pilot projects to implement the selected mitigation approaches. In view of the urgency of climate change, NICAS will be exempt from FAR and authorized to accomplish all its work via No Bid Sole Source contracts.”
The Economist: “Which sciences will be the focus of NICAS?”
SAP: “That is a very important question. I will turn it over to the President of the United States.”
POTUS: You may know there are a lot of smart people who advise me on science and technology. The Coastal Liberal Intellectuals may cling to old fashioned science, like Evolution, and harp on unproven pet theories, like Cigarettes Causing Lung Cancer. But my advisors know better and, from what they tell me, I know better.
Take Special Creation, for insistence. Liberals keep talking about Darwin, monkeys and evolution. But my advisors, and I, are smarter than monkeys. We will study life forms to demounstrate how God used Special Creation to create life forms that adapt to changes in their environment.
Another area of study will be Special Cremation. Again, Pointy Heads can keep talking all they want about carbon emissions causing global warming. My advisors, like Albert here, have shown me the warming is real but it comes from above; that is, from Divine Intervention, to really burn the countries and the people that are polluting too much.”
Dr. Sunjoy Gupta: “Mr. Pesident, you mentioned a third area of complementary and alternative science at the beginning; something like Special Canceration. What did you mean by that?”
POTUS: “Doc, you know me. I say what I mean and I mean what I say, unlike the Eggheads. And I am very mean in this matter. I have never believed the Democrat propaganda about cigarettes causing lung cancer. That is just a vicious attack on hard working tobacco companies that provide good jobs to a lot of middle Americans. Now, my advisors have convinced me that people who smoke a lot of cigarettes for a long time usually have stress issues, relationship issues, and personality issues. All these issues make them less likely to go to church regularly. So the lung cancer is God’s way of punishing them for their behavior.”
SAP: “This concludes the press conference. You can pick up a hard copy of the President’s announcement in the hall as you exit.”
Jean Biergarten’s e-mail address is firstname.lastname@example.org