Wealth Care Reform

Wealth Care Reform

Jean Biergarten

The Washington Pest

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Democrats revealed a health-care reform bill Thursday that includes a government insurance option, as well as a historic expansion of Medicaid. Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated, "Today we are about to deliver on the promise of making affordable, quality health care available for all Americans." She added that the bill "opens the doors to quality medical care for those who were shut out of the system for far too long." Republicans complained that the bill was a government attempt to take over health care.

In an attempt to get an objective, or at least an objecting, point of view, your reported contacted Sen. Jim VarMint of Mouth Carolina.

JB: Senator VarMint, have you read the latest Health Care Reform bill from the democrats?

JVM: No.

JB: Oh. I was hoping to get your reaction to it...

JVM: Why didn't you say so? I don't need to read a democrat bill before reacting to it. I react to all things democratic. I am a solid southern reactionary.

JB: But – if you don't read the bill, how can you debate it in the Senate?

JVM: You sound like a democrat.

JB: I mean, don't you want to persuade your fellow senators to join you in opposition to the bill?

JVM: I have found that no one listens. My role in the Senate is to come up with the right ideas and t ake them directly to the American people.

JB: What is the basis of your opposition to the bill?

JVM: I will go after the democrats and shame the republicans.

JB: You are quite effective.

JVM: Thank you. I think so.

JB: I mean, the republicans are ashamed – of you.

JVM: You sound worse – you sound like a liberal.

JB: But what will you tell the other republican senators about health care reform?

JVM: Any republican who votes for that bill doesn't belong here. People who vote for it have no clue.

JB: What about Speaker Pelosi's statement that this bill provides medical care to people who were formerly shut out of the system?

JVM: She must be talking about 'cans.

JB: Cans? No, she was talking about American people.

JVM: Watch it, buddy! Pelosi was only talking about Africans, Mexican, Puerto Ricans...may be White Trashicans...

JB: ?????

JVM: These people don't contribute to my campaign, they don't belong to my party, what do I care about them?

JB: So you want health care only for your own supporters and contributors? And to hell with the rest of the American people?

JVM: If we can stop this bill, it will break Obama.

JB: That's your motivation? To break the President, no matter what it does to the poor people in your own state?

JVM: You sound like a 'Can.

JB: How far are you willing to go, to “break” Obama? Will you lie to the American people?

JVM: I am a “con” – a conservative. Some of us are Neocons, some are Paleocons, some are even Pithecanthropus Erectocons. But we're all con men.

JB: No doubt about it!

JVM: Watch it, Biergarten! Like any red blooded, red state Richbuttlican politician, I will do what I c an to protect my supporters from Health Care Reform that becomes an adverse Wealth Care Reform for their incomes. If you don't understand that, may be you should get reassigned to the Sports Section.

Jean Biergarten can be reached at biergarten@pestwash.com

A Cool Scientist

A Cool Scientist

Jean Biergarten

Washington Pest

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

At a recent hearing of the Senate Environment Committee on Global Warming, Sen. Imhofe was informed that a prominent climate scientist warns 'We should fear a deep temperature drop -- not catastrophic global warming.'

The senator did not name the scientist in question but your enterprising reporter managed to unearth and question Dr. Borat Borscht. Excerpts from the interview follow. The full text can be found at www.pestwash.com/acoolscientist.htm

JB: Dr. Borscht, what are your credentials?

BB: I am the Head of Department of Primatology and Climatology at University of South Boragrad, Republic of Upsetistan.

JB: Primates and climates, in one department? Isn't that unusual?

BB: Unusual but smart, eh? People say climate influenced primate evolution and now, some people think primates influence our climate.

JB: You mean, you don't think we humans influence the earth's climate?

BB: Only some of us. Pamela Anderson causes heat wave when she walks into room; but not you.

JB: Neither do you.

BB: Hmmmm..To let you speak is like to let a monkey download software – no use!

JB: Hmmmm...Getting back on track, don't you think human activities are responsible for global warming?

BB: In Upsetistan, we believe “Think globally, but warm locally.”

JB: ??????

BB: Don't understand? You Americans don't learn science or math...I will make it clear to meanest intelligence – yours.

JB: Say what?

BB: I am saying, human activities burn carbon, particles go up in atmosphere, reflect sun- light and sun-heat back into space. Earth NOT produce heat, only get heat from sun. So, humans burning carbon only COOL the earth, not heat it. Worry about big temperature drop, not global warming.

JB: What about all the scientists that tell us we need to stop burning carbon if we have any h ope of reversing global warming?

BB: Their IQ's hang like sleeve of wizard's robe.

JB: That's it? That's your scientific response to global warming?

BB: Hey, watchit! If globe warms, I will be execute.

JB: Who's going to execute you for admitting global warming is real?

BB: Dimhofe supporter big carbon burning American company with big carbon burning factory in Upsetistan. You threaten Richbuttlican profits, they execute you.

JB: Richbutllican – you mean the Republican supporters will have you executed if you t threaten their profits? Are you serious?

BB: Think Icky Dick Haliburton.....I go now, bang bang!

JB: Thank you for explaining the intellectual foundations of the skepticism about global warming.

Jean Biergarten can be reached at biergarten@pestwash.com

Motorvational Speaker

Motorvational Speaker

Jean Biergarten

The Washington Pest

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

From newspaper dispatches .....

FORT WORTH -- After nine months of being nearly invisible -- a big outing has been to a Dallas hardware store for flashlights -- George W. Bush made his debut Monday in his latest incarnation: motivational speaker.

Nearly 15,000 people heard the former president, known more for mangling the English language than for his eloquence, reminisce about his White House days.
.....

Many people interviewed afterward said they liked Bush, perhaps even because he wasn't the best speaker of the day. He could have said a thesaurus was a big scaly creature that roamed the planet millions of years ago and they would have applauded.

......

In Britain, where Bush remains wildly unpopular, the media have been reporting his return to public speaking with incredulity. Some commentators recalled his famous flubs: "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" and "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

“W” as a motivational speaker? Boggled the mind. So I contacted the well known speaker, Neutered Grinch, to understand what had just happened in Texas.

JB: Neut, can you believe this?

NG: Believe what? You mean, people paying money to listen to a speech by George W. ?

JB: Exactly. I mean, people do pay to hear stand-up comedians. Still,….

NG: You said it. We all like a good laugh, especially with the economy the way it is.

JB: Sure. But this was not marketed as a comedy; this was a motivational seminar!

NG: So you think it takes a good speaker to motivate people?

JB: Not necessarily. For example, I know that you motivated a lot of people. Trouble was, they were motivated to vote for the other party.

NG: Hey! Stop that! You’re sounding like a liberal.

JB: Sorry. You were saying…

NG: Have you ever heard the late William Buckley speak?

JB: Sure. In fact , I have heard him debate the late John Kenneth Galbraith.

NG: Buckley had a rare mastery of the English language, would you agree?

JB: Yes, of course. Although I’m surprised to hear you say that, what with his Yankee accent and all…

NG: Don’t matter; Buckley was a conservative, so I forgive him his accent and his tendency to use two dollar words when a nickel word would have done the job. Anyhoo, what did you think of Buckley’s speeches?

JB: Well…..actually….

NG: You found Buckley intimidating, didn’t you? Admit it.

JB: Come to think of it, I did. How did you…

NG: A really good speaker intimidates most people, because they know they can never measure up to him. So they lose motivation. But, you take a speaker like “W” -

JB: No, you take him.

NG: What? Ha, ha. As I was saying, a speaker like Bush makes most of us feel, “I can speak a lot better than this guy. So, if he could become president, surely I can make it!” In other words, they are motivated!

JB: Hmmm..interesting point of view.

NG: What, you're not convinced? Remember, this is the man who said -

"All of us in America want there to be fairness when it comes to justice."

"I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas."

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."

"I can only speak to myself."

"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."

JB: So the best motivational speakers are the inarticulate and the semi-literate?

NG: Hey, Nattering Nabob of Negativity! Watch it with them two dollar words!

Jean Biergarten can be reached at biergarten@pestwash.com