A Periodic Tale

DC:            Hello again, viewers! [Putting on lipstick and fussing with her hair] This is Decibella Chatterjee, your guest hostess on Collide-o-Scope TV.  As you know, Collide-o-Scope, the Indian kam-unity channel that brings you opposing viewpoints and conflicting personalities, of which there are plenty in your community – almost as much as there is in India. As we say, hamari vaja se community mein kam unity hai.

My guests today are an Indian community activist, and a leader of the Hispanic youth movement.  On my left is Mr. Rampant, who wants to improve the image of India in the Western news media.

RP:            Madam, you are almost as bad as the Western news media.  My name is not Rampant, it is Ram Pant.

DC:            [aside to the Cameraman] Who cares? [to Ram Pant] Pardon me, Mr. Pant.  What do you have against the news media?

RP:            First of all, they are ignorant; secondly, they are arrogant.  Apart from that, I have nothing against them.

DC:            We’ll get to a more detailed explanation from you in a moment.  Meanwhile, on my right is Senor Balboa Belmondo.

BB:            No, no!  Ah am Seńor Bubba Bullmondo. Ah walk like a bubba, ah talk like a bubba, ah AM a bubba.  Ah am also el presidente of organization is called Save Hispanic Interests Totally. 

RP:  So the abbreviation must be S – H--

BB:  [glares at RP] Mah organization is always known by its full name, never by its initials.

DC:            [spelling it out] Save – Hispanic -- Interests --Totally!  Oh, we can’t say that on TV …  [to BB]  So, Señor, our viewers really appreciate you taking the time to appear on an Indian community TV program. 

BB:            Mah pleasure.  After all, we’re fighting the towel heads over there, so I thought we might as well get to know the towel heads over hear… 

RP:            What do you mean, towel heads?  Just because some Indians wear a turban, don’t confuse us with the Afghan people.

BB:  What Ah want to know is – why are we fighting a war with Halfghanistan?  Why don’t we fight the whole country?

DC:  But half the country is in the hands of our allies. Only the other half is controlled by our enemies. 

BB:  Then why don’t we let them fight each other for a while, then go in and clean out the survivors?  Anyway, why were they so anxious to capture the Mother of the Sheriff?  Just what did the poor lady do?

DC:  Mother of the Sheriff?  You mean, Mazar-I-Sharif? That was a strategic town, whose capture allowed us to capture more towns.

BB:  Why capture all those towns?  They don’t even have a Taco Bell over there!  Now, forget the towns, what Ah want to capture are a few of those towel head señoritas…

DC:  You mean, you have designs on the Afghan women?

BB:  Si, si.

RP:  I don’t see.  Please explain.

BB:  Take off their bukras—

DC:  You mean, their burkas?  Their veils?

BB:  Yeah, that’s what Ah mean.  Take off the veils, dress up them young ladies in leather skirts and high heels, drink some tequila, play some salsa music, party all night, siesta all day…

RP:  That’s your solution to Afghanistan’s troubles?  Replace the Taliban with MTV? 

BB:  What’s not to like about MTV, man?  Anyhoo, Osama’s not the problem…

RP:  What do you mean, Osama is not the problem?

BB:  I mean, the problem is not Osama been leadin’, the problem is them Halfghanis been followin’.

DC:  Viewers, at this point we break away for a commercial. [Ads come on Safar with Us travel agency. RP and BB look at each other in frustration.  DC is unperturbed.  Interviews are interrupted for a dance.  After the break] Now, where were we?

RP:  Madam, you are wasting your time with this gentleman.  Interview me, instead.  I will speak to your viewers.  After all, I am Indian.  And speech was invented in India. 

DC:            What makes you say that?

RP:            Why else do we talk more, and do less, than any other people in the world?  It is just that we have had more practice.

BB:            Speech!  Did you ever invent anything else, man?

RP:  Of course we did.  In addition to speech, we also invented zero and the decimal system of numbers.  That is why I often say that, besides speech, our contribution to humanity is zero.

DC:            You said it, not me!

RP:         Not so fast, Miss Coconut!

DC:            What do you mean, coconut?

RP:            Brown on the outside, white on the inside.

DC:            Mr. Pant, do you always talk irrespectively to the news media?

RP:            The media in the West, especially here in Amreeka, don’t pay enough attention to India; when they do mention us, it is only to play up disasters like a train derailment, or boat sinking, or a building collapsing.  Western media don’t tell their readers/viewers/listeners about all the wonderful progress in science, technology and the arts made by people in India.

DC:            Give me an example.

RP:            The periodic table of elements.

BB: [tapping his head with a finger] Loco!  Mucho loco!

DC:            What do you mean by that?

RP:            Western media tell you the periodic table was invented by a western scientist called Dmitri Mendeleev ..

DC:            Actually, I believe he was Russian …

RP:            Russian, Prussian, Simian, same difference.  All westerners; the correct attribution is an Indian scientist called Damodar Mandelia.

BB:  Madre de Dios!

DC:            Do you really have any proof?

RP:            Look at the chemical symbol for potassium –it is K.  Now where is the letter K in the name potassium?  But if you think of the most common source of potassium, it is a banana – kela in Hindi, which starts with a K.

DC:            Anything else?

RP:            Look at the symbol for sodium – NA, which is clearly Not Applicable.  But the common source of sodium is salt, which is Namak in Hindi.

DC:            What else did our illustrious, but not illustrated, ancestors contribute?

BB:            They had nuclear weapons, as described in the Ramayan and the Mahabharat, except that in Sanskrit the weapons were called astras; which alluded to the stars.  Not only that, ancient Indians even performed brain surgery.

DC:            Why wasn’t this known to the west?

RP:            We didn’t tell the westerners about brain surgery because they didn’t have anything to perform surgery on.  Besides, they refused to sign an ineffectual -- I mean, intellectual -- property rights agreement.

DC:            There is nothing intellectual, proper, or right about this statement.  I am putting an end to this.  This is Decibella Chatterjee, wishing all our viewers a good day.  Camraj, kala bahar, please. [Cameraman looks puzzled.]  Black out!

Management by Objection

Interview with An Author(ity)
SCENE 1

Anchorwoman Decibella Chatterjee enters the TV studio, accompanied by cameraman, struggling with a big camera. DC is a superficially attractive, but extremely self-conscious, twenty-something girl. She looks around, sits down, sees her image on the monitor, starts fussing with her appearance – tucking straying strands of hair in place, freshening her lipstick, touching up her make up and so on. DC looks at some papers, then turns to cameraman.

Decibella chatterjee
Camraj! Who’s this sucker you’ve booked for me to interview today?

Cameraman
Bella, look again! Don't you know who that is?

Decibella chatterjee
No – Tom Peters? Never heard of him. May be he has heard of me?

Cameraman
Doubt it [Bella glares at him] – er, I mean, you never know. But your guest today is no sucker; he’s a famous author.

DC
Tom Peters, the author? What did he write – Peter Pan?

Cameraman
[Sighs] No, Bella, that was J.M. Barrie. Even you should know [Bella glares at him again] –er, I mean to say, you’ve probably forgotten that Tom Peters is the author of the best selling business book, In Search of Excellence.

DC
[Looks down her nose at the papers] Tell Mr. Peters there is no need to search for excellence; he can just look at me! My viewers at Indytainment Today TV will tell him that.

Cameraman
[Mutters] Not sure what your viewers will tell him but …[seeing Bella looking his way] Tom Peters will be here any minute now. Don’t you want to read up on the summary I printed out for you?

DC
[Touching up her make up] I don't need to read up on anything; I am the Media. I will ask him and he will tell me. That’s how it works, Cammie.

[A middle aged man in a business suit enters, ignores Bella, walks up to the cameraman and shakes his hand.] Sorry I’m late; your undocumented hallways misled me.

Cameraman
No problem. Glad you could make it. Let me introduce you to our anchorwoman, Decibella Chatterjee, who will conduct the interview.

Man
[Smiles at Bella] Hello! [Sits down in the guest chair and takes a book from his briefcase. Several yellow stickies mark pages in the book.]

DC
On camera, please – face this way [points to video camera, adjusts her hair, then puts on an artificial smile]. Now, viewers, we have the pleasure of speaking with one of the Towering Giants of Business, Mr. Tom Peters, author of the best seller, In Search of Excellence.

Man
No, no, no, no. You are in the presence of Mr. Pete Thomas.

DC
Not Tom Peters?

PT
He is a better-known, but less important, author.

DC
But – you look Indian! [Turning to Cameraman] Camraj, didn’t you tell me he’s a honkey? [More quietly] This guy looks more like a donkey! [Cameraman shushes her.] Never mind, you have an MBA from Stanford University, don’t you?

PT
Actually, I have an MBSA.

DC
What the heck is an MBSA? [Turning to Cameraman] Camraj….

PT
It is a Master of BS Articulation. [Looks at Decibella more closely] You do know “BS”, don’t you?

Cameraman
She knows BS very well, actually.

DC
Camraj! [Turns to Peter] At least, is your MBSA degree from a reputed school like Stanford? Or is it from Slippery Rock State?

PT
My degree is from Satanford University, a lesser-known but better reputed school. And, I am actually not just an author, but an authority on business. I literally “wrote the book” as most educated people know. Do you understand?

DC
No, I don't. I am the Anchor, so I don’t understand; if I stand at all, I upperstand. [Attempts to climb up on her desk; Camraj persuades her, with difficulty, to step down.] But I don’t need to stand up for anyone; they can stand up for me, while I sit comfortably. [Sits down and puts her feet up on the desk.] So I uppersit. Now, tell our viewers, if you can, about your book on Management by Objectives.

PT
[Patiently ignoring her, talks to Camraj] Please explain to your Anchor – by the way, usually an anchor is just a dead weight – that my book deals with a lesser-known but more important concept – namely, Management by Objection.

DC
Objection?

PT
Yes, objections. It is derived from the Golden Rule.

DC
Oh, you mean [searches her desk top, locates a book of quotations, and reads] “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?”

PT
That may be what they teach in mid-level schools – like Stanford – but the real Golden Rule that I learnt at Satanford says “Do unto others as they would do unto you, given a chance; except, do it first and don’t give them a chance to reciprocate.”

DC
 Oh! They really teach that?

PT
Don’t forget the fundamentals, now…

Cameraman
You tell her! She may be no fun, but she is mental, all right...

DC
What don’t I forget? I mean, what’s fun-da-mental?

PT
Business is hierarchical, not lowerarchical.

DC
What the heck does that mean? [Starts fussing with her hair.]

PT
The corporation is like an arch. At the lower levels, it is straight. Therefore it is straightforward to climb the corporate ladder – if you are low enough.

DC
Just do your job and keep your nose clean?

PT
Essentially. A little bootlicking might not hurt, either. Keep in mind, though, that as you go higher, the arch starts to curve. In the same way, as you get to higher levels in a corporation – say middle management – it throws a curve at you.

DC
[Preening] I have a lot of curves…

PT
[Ignoring DC and speaking to the cameraman] So, to move up from Middle Management to Muddled Management – I mean, the executive ranks – you have to learn your objection lesson.

DC
You mean “object lesson”, don’t you, Mr. Educated Author?

PT
I said “objection lesson” and I mean “objection lesson”. I say what I mean and I mean what I say.

DC
[Turns to cameraman] And he is so mean!

PT
So, as a middle manager, you learn to object to other people’s suggestions, recommendations, plans and proposals; you know that, given a chance, they would certainly object to your suggestions, recommendations, plans and proposals. So you take care not to offer any suggestions, recommendations, plans and proposals. Just pick and choose from other people’s ideas, object to some of them vociferously, and accept others – usually the meaningless ones – grudgingly and provisionally; that is, until a practical demonstration can show the idea to be worthless. Then you can object to the idea, and to the person who wasted company time and resources by offering the idea.

DC
But what if the idea actually has merit?

PT
We’re talking business, not religion. Merit has no place here. Remember that the other guy’s win is your loss; and vice versa.

DC
But what about ethics?

PT
Ethnics may be factor in business, but ethics is not. Object away until you have accomplished your goal.

DC
And what is your goal?

PT
To get ahead. So you use objections to push other people behind and move yourself ahead. Mind you, that works with your peers. But objections are a 360° tool. Object to your staff – to keep them from moving up to your level. Object to people above you, so you can topple one or more of them and create an opening for yourself. Management by Objection is your all round tool.

DC
Fascinating. Any other words of wisdom?

PT
Actually, several. [Turning to cameraman] And she looks like she could use them all. Now, don’t depend on Objections alone. Think of them as one tool in a whole toolbox. Pay equal attention to Obstruction, Obfuscation, Ostracization and Occlusion.

DC
What?

PT
Those are the five “O”s. Visualize them intertwined, like Olympic rings, in Corporate Games.

DC
[Fusses with her appearance, then puts on a real fake smile, turns to the camera] There you have it, viewers – Pete Thomas, MBSA (Satanford University) and Authority on Business, telling you the way he sees it. I'm your host, Decibella Chatterjee.

END SCENE

INTRERVIEW WITH A TECHIE TYCOON

INTRERVIEW WITH A TECHIE TYCOON

A crowd of people is standing around on waiting for the train to arrive. Among them is someone who is clearly a VVIP. Upon closer observation, he is seen to be a very important flunky, preceding, clearing the way and attending to a very very important person. The VVIP, on the other hand, appears modest and good natured. Without the flunky at his side, he might not even be noticed a VVIP. Roving reporter Decibella Chatterjee comes on the railway platform, accompanied by middle aged camera man, struggling with a big camera. DC is a superficially attractive, but extremely self conscious, twenty-something girl. She looks around, trying spot anything newsworthy but concurrently keeps fussing with her appearance – tucking straying strands of hair in place, freshening her lipstick, touching up her make up and so on. Flunky, leading VVIP, crosses paths with DC and cameraman. DC walks by, but cameraman nudges her.

CAMERAMAN
Bella, look! Don't you know who that is?

DECIBELLA CHATTERJEE
No – looks like some old guy. Is he admiring me?

CAMERAMAN
Fat chance [Bella glares at him] – er, I mean, slim chance. That is Mr. Murthy, Founder and Chief Mentor of Infosys Technologies. May be we can interview him.

DC
That is Narayana Murthy? [Walks up and tries to tap VVIP on the shoulder, but Flunky intercepts her]

FLUNKY
Hey, Missie, what you are doing?

DC
[Looks down her nose at Flunky] Tell Mr. Murthy he might want to talk to my viewers at Indytainment Today TV.

FLUNKY
Who you think you are? You want to interview the Chief Mentor without even an appointment?

DC
[Touching up her make up] I don't need an appointment to talk to your Chief Mental; I am the Media. Don't you watch anything but Dur Darshan?
[Flunky glares some more and tries to steer VVIP away from her. Cameraman intervenes.]

CAMERAMAN
Mr. Narayana Murthy, so many of our viewers are your fans. Won't you take a couple of minutes to say Hello to them?

VVIP
[Smiles] Hello [Turns to follow Flunky, who is already walking away.]

DC
On camera, please – face this way [points to video camera, adjusts her hair, then puts on an artificial smile]. Now, viewers, we have the pleasure of speaking with one of the Tycoons of Technology, Mr. Narayana Murthy, Chief Mental of Infosys Technologies. [VVIP laughs but Flunky interrupts her angrily.]

FLUNKY
No, no, no, no. You are in the presence of Mr. N.R. Norayana Murthy, Chief Mentor of Ifnosys Technologies, (Pvt) Ltd.

DC
I always thought it was Infosys ...

VVIP
That is a better known, but less important, company. My company is called Ifnosys. Because, in all Information Technology, the most fundamental logic is If-then-else. Do you follow?

DC
No, I don't. And, usually, men follow me; sometimes, even boys follow me. If its a Gay Pride celebrations, a few girls might evenfollow me. But I [drawing herself up] don’t follow anybody.

FLUNKY
[Getting in her face] Oh Yeah? But you will follow the Chief Mentor; everybody does.

VVIP
[Patiently ignoring the argument] Let me try to explain. Most I/T people are good at designing, and building, information systems to handle the If case – that is, what to do when some condition is true. That is how they think, that is how they build their systems, that is how they test their systems and that is what they deliver to their customers.

DC
OK, so what?

VVIP
So their software is full of bugs....

DC screams “Bugs!” and collapses. Cameraman helps her up, saying “Not insects, Bella, just software mistakes.” DC looks at VVIP reproachfully, and starts restoring her appearance.

FLUNKY
How rude! Fainting in the middle of the Chief Mentor's explanation! [VVIP quiets him].

VVIP
But in my company, we pay particular attention to the exceptions – that is, to the If-then-else case. That is why our software works the first time every time.

FLUNKY
Our software works straight out of the box, because we think in and out of the box – ha, ha, ha!

DC
[Ignoring Flunky] You're telling me your products are better than other companies' products. But that's what they all say.

VVIP
But the customer knows better. To keep reminding them of the difference, we named our company If- No-Sys Technologies. Our employees liked the sound of that so much, they started calling me Mr. NO-rayana Murthy. Now, NO has become my favorite word.

CAMERAMAN
My two year old daughter has something in common with you...

VVIP
Where is my company's head office?

FLUNKY
NOIDA

VVIP
Where is our biggest foreign subsidiary?

FLUNKY
NOva Scotia

VVIP
Where are our U.S. offices located?

FLUNKY
North Carolina and North Dakota

VVIP
Who is our largest overseas customer?

FLUNKY
NOkia

DC
Fascinating! But, Mr. Murthy, you
seem a pretty positive person....

FLUNKY
No, no, no, no. Perish the thought. Don't let the customer hear you say that.

VVIP
Actually, “No” can be a positive influence. It is what we teach our first line managers – anyone can say “Yes” to an employee, a customer, or a government regulator. That is the easy way, but it costs the company – time, money, profit margin, stock price and so on. We are looking for managers who can say “No” in such a way it sounds like “Yes”.

DC
[Closes her eyes and rubs her forehead, as though fighting off a headache] I see, I see.

FLUNKY
Sir, we have to get going. I see the guys from the Chamber of Commerce looking for us. Please come this way. [Leads VVIP away]

DC
[Fusses with her appearance, then puts on a real fake smile, turns to the camera] There you have it, viewers – Norayana Murthy of Ifnosys telling you the way he sees it. I'm your host, Decibella Chatterjee.

CAMERAMAN
Oh damn! I didn't notice, the camera was not turned on