Paranoid? Don't Worry; It's All Under Control
By Peter Carlson
Washington Post Staff Writer Tuesday, February 19, 2008; Page C01
Have you seen the latest issue of Paranoia magazine?
No? Well, that's not surprising, is it? There's a very good reason why you haven't seen it: They don't want you to see it. They know that Paranoia exposes them and their secret conspiracies to control every aspect of human life.
Does that mean that Paranoia is . . . part of the conspiracy? Could Paranoia be printing false conspiracy theories to throw us all off the trail of the real conspiracies?
Oh, man, thinking about all this stuff makes my head hurt. I'm gonna stop now and go put another layer of tinfoil in my hat, just in case.
After reading Carlson’s article, my head hurt, too. So I turned to the one unshakeable source of support, the Rev. Rat Robberson. Here’s what he assured me:
It is prudent, not paranoid, to fear the unknown. One should always fear the unknown, unless an angel appears, saying “Fear not!”
The paranoid are all agnostics and/or atheists, unless they happen to be non-protestants. In any case, they are some variety of heathens and /or pagans, who are worried that Almighty God would find them out and punish them for their satanic ways.
They are right to be worried, but wrong to try to hide from Him. He knows who they are, what they are thinking and where they are hiding. They will rot in hell – unless they become my adherents and start a program of regular, substantial contributions to my church.
JFK was not killed by any conspiracy. He was killed for not knowing his place in society. Only Protestants, preferably Baptists, are allowed to become president of the United States.
The Rockefellers are shape-shifting satanic reptiles but not the Queen of England; she is a shape-shifting satanic amphibian. They are not the only ones; Osama bin Laden and Bill Clinton are also shape-shifting satanic anthropoids.
Global warming is not caused by burning fossil fuels and releasing carbon dioxide into the atmosphere. It is a result of God’s wrath on mankind for teaching the satanic theory of evolution in schools. Note that global warming did not start until after the Scopes trial made the teaching of evolution standard practice in the United States.