Mardi Grand

Mardi Grand

The day after Governor Meter Omni (All Things to All People, According to the Applause Meter) announced his withdrawal from contention for the Richbuttlican presidential nomination, your correspondent caught up with him. Actually, your correspondent ran into the former Governor at a Boston fish market.

Correspondent: “Fancy meeting you here, Governor!”

Omni: “Edwin Oldman! What brings you here, strictly speaking?”

C: “I came to get Scrod.”

O: “Ah, I know all about it. I got scrod last Tuesday.”

C: “You did?”

O: “Ha ha. I was talking about my disappointing showing on Mardi Grand.”

C: “Mardi Grand? Oh, Super Tuesday? Governor, I believe the French just call it Super Mardi”.

O: “Shows how little they know.”

C: “So, Governor, what are your plans now that you’re out of the running?”

O: “Well, Ed, you know I am a conservative. So, right now, I am working on conserving – what’s left of my capital. We have a free market and a free press, but darn it – our campaigns are far from free. I had to pay through the nose.”

C: “I mean, what are your plans until 2012?”

O: “Perhaps go back to investment banking. Make money. There is a lot to be said for behaving like a real capitalist. After all, Karl Marx would have been a lot happier if, instead of writing about Das Kapital, he had focused on accumulating some.”

C: “Do you plan to run again for the 2012 nomination? “

O: “Yes, of course. I believe in staying the course. It’s just that I need enough resources for my own surge.”

C: “Do you think you are up to the stress and strain of another campaign?”

O: “Oh, sure. Especially if I don’t have the pains in the side I had this time.”

C: “Pains? In the side?”

O: “You know, Senator McGain was a constant thorn in my left side, and Reverend Huggable managed to land a few blows on my right side.”

C: “So what makes you think it would be better for you in 2012?”

O: “Well, the Senator should be four years older by then, and less able to withstand the rigors of the campaign. Plus, he would have alienated even more people. As for the Reverend, one never knows when a scandal might erupt involving him.”

C: “What scandal? What do you know that my readers don’t?”

O: “Oh, I don’t know anything, but the odds are in favor of a scandal. Just look at some other well known preachers – like Merry Swagger; or, look at other former governors of Arkansas, who may or may not have had sex with ‘that woman’, depending on your definition - of sex, had, and woman.”

C: “Why do you think you failed to win big in the South, in spite of your conservative credentials?”

O: “It’s you guys in the chattering classes. You keep harping on my Moreman faith, and worked against me in the South – especially with the lesser men you find there in abundance. They recognized the Reverend as one of their own, the SOBs.”

C: “Excuse me!”

O: “You know, the people living South of Baltimore.”

C: “It surprised many of us that you didn’t seek the support of another prominent conservative, ex-Senator George Fallen in Virginia.”

O: “I sought it all right, and even found it, but it wasn’t what I expected it to be. Every time he tried to say ‘Mike Huggable’, it came out sounding too much like ‘Macaca’. So I said, ‘George, this isn’t good news.’ He replied, ‘Good noose? Did I ever tell you about the good noose I had in my office?’ Then I told him, ‘George, I know you really want to help me. So why don’t you campaign for one of the Democracks?’ But he couldn’t bring himself to do it; he has always been a Richbuttlican, as have I.”

C: “You really asked Senator Fallen to campaign for a Democrack? Why?”

O: “If you know George, you would appreciate how much his support can mean – to the opponent of anyone he supports. But, if by some chance, he helped to turn 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into a Broad House or a Black House for the next four years, that would only set the stage for me to come storming back in 2012.”

C: “How do you propose to convince the Richbuttlican base that you are conservative enough and, at the same time, convince the independents that you are centrist enough?”

O: “Ed, you’re talking about appealing to the Middle. Exactly what McGain has done. Well, I believe in eliminating the Middle Man. So I would just explain the facts of life to our base.”

C: “You don’t mean the birds and the bees? Don’t they already know that stuff?”

O: Oh, sure. That’s why they have good reproductivity, even if their productivity is pretty low. What I mean is this – look, supporting Gay Marriage is a Pro Life position. Very few gay couples, unlike straight couples, go in for an abortion. I’m sure our base would support me once they understand that. Plus, my position helps to send more Democracks to hell.”

C: “I see. Actually, I don’t see.”

O: “Let’s take another issue – my faith. I will explain to people that I am nominally Moreman; but the real faith I practiced for many years, and now intend to practice for the next three years, is the Mammon faith. To turn this country around, we need to all worship Mammon instead of God – at least until we hit the age of Social Security eligibility. Then we should strictly worship God – because only He can save the Social Security fund.”