Size Matters

Size Matters

Conservative personality Lush Dimbaugh recently dropped by our offices for a chat with your correspondent, Edwin Oldman.

Oldman: “Welcome, Mr. Dimbaugh. Please have a seat over there – that couch should be sturdy enough. Can I get you anything?”

Dimbaugh: “No, thank you Edwin. I am completely fed up.”

Oldman: “Ah – you mean the presidential primaries?”

Dimbaugh: “No, those are secondary to my burning concern today.”

Oldman: “The primaries are secondary? Even though Senator McGain has gained at the expense of your team?”

Dimbaugh: “Well, that is a sore subject with me. Even Meter Omni (All Things to Al People, According to the Applause Meter) has endorsed him.”

Oldman: “But Governor Huggable is hanging in there, just like a tough conservative ought to”.

Dimbaugh: “So is Wrong Paul, but you and I know who the nominee is going to be.”

Oldman: “If McGain is nominated, are you really going to vote for the Senator from New York?”

Dimbaugh: “Nah, I was just mad – madder’n a hoot owl – when I said that. Seriously, I can’t see voting for Senator Hailmary. Nor for the other Senator – Yakyak Ohmama. I would probably just stay home on election day – sort of a real absentee ballot, if you follow me.”

Oldman: “So what’s on your mind, if it is not the election?”

Dimbaugh: “I am mad about all the poor conservatives who have conserved a little fat on their bodies – well, OK, a lot of fat – and now the liberal media are jumping all over them for obesity!”

Oldman: “Mr. Dimbaugh, are you objecting to cultural discrimination against the obese?“


Dimbaugh: “Culture, my aspect! I am talking about real, hard core discrimination. The Mississippi legislature has a bill that would prohibit restaurants from serving food to obese people. Can you believe that?”

Oldman: “Really?”

Dimbaugh: “You know I have always ranted and railed against Big Government; but now I find that governance of the Big by the Skinny is worse.”

Oldman: “Huh?”

Dimbaugh: “Skinny fitness fiends trying to tell hard working, God fearing, right thinking Americans how to live – just because we saved some fat on our bodies.”

Oldman: “Where are you going with this, Mr. Dimbaugh?”

Dimbaugh: “Skinny people burn up their body fat but guess what that does? It adds to the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere; may be even contributes to global warming. We obese people, on the other hand, store the fat in our bodies, and save the atmosphere, acting like carbon sinks. So the government should tax skinny people and subsidize fat people.”

Oldman: “Are you serious?”

Dimbaugh: “That’s why Fatrick Loosecannon would make a better president than anyone running this year; I would be even better, if you could talk me into taking the job.”

Oldman: “We can’t?”

Dimbaugh: “Why should I take a pay cut? No, Governor Huggable is the best of the lot the voters got this year. And definitely not that skinny Senator Ohmama.”