.JPG){kind=small}
McCain Supporter Ridicules Obama
By Michael D. Shear
Washington Post Staff Writer Wednesday, February 27, 2008; Page A06
CINCINNATI, Feb. 26 -- A supporter of Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) ridiculed Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) in an introductory speech at a McCain rally here this morning, repeatedly using Obama's middle name, Hussein, and deriding him as a terrorist sympathizer.
I could not believe what I was reading. Sen. McCain is an honorable man, isn’t he? And, certainly, he is too swift to employ the Swift Boat Scheisskopfen.
But then – the alleged miscreant was identified as a conservative radio talk-show host. Ah, that explains it. A colleague of Lush Dimbaugh; nothing they say can be taken seriously, unless it is independently corroborated and notarized. After all, there are liars, damned liars and conservative radio talk-show hosts.
Still, just to get matters clarified, I got in touch with the speaker in question, and questioned him. Bill Cunnilingus came on the line after a few rings.
BC: Yeah?
EO: Bill, this is Edwin Oldman, from the Washington Pest. How are you today?
BC: What’s it to you?
EO: You sound upset; good.
BC: What?
EO: Never mind. Did you repeatedly refer to Senator Barack Obama as Barack Hussein Obama?
BC: Sure, I did. What of it?
EO: Why?
BC: Hell, there’s not much I can say to discredit him. He turns out to be a moderate and a pragmatist, not too different from McCain.
EO: So you wanted to discredit Sen. Obama by using his middle name? Were you implying that an Arabic name is synonymous with terrorism?
BC: Syn…hey, wait a minute; using them two dollar words is a sin all right. But you don’t understand, do you?
EO: Understand what?
BC: To be foreign is worse – make that much worse – than being a terrorist. Look at how much people talk about Osama and Al Qaeda; do you hear anyone talking about the Unabomber, or Timothy McVeigh?
EO: What do you mean?
BC: Look, you liberal nitwit, it don’t matter how bad a company is – like Enron or Exxon or Halliburton – nobody minds them doing business in the US of A. But if a company is foreign – like Dubai Ports World – nobody wants them here; and we don’t even care if they’re good, bad or indifferent.
EO: But Senator Obama is not foreign; he is 100% American.
BC: What do you mean? He’s a skinny black guy with a funny name who has lived in other countries.
EO: So what? Lush Dimbaugh is a fat white guy who should go live in some other country….
BC: Watch it, mister. You lobbies need to understand it is all tied up with 1925.
EO: 1925?
BC: The year of the Scopes trial.
EO: What of it?
BC: That was a very BIG year. You might call it a portal year.
EO: A portal --? You mean, a pivotal. Year?
BC: Whatever. But before 1925 and after 1925 makes a big difference.
EO: How do you mean?
BC: We need only science that was known in 1925, nothing that came in after that.
EO: How about technology?
BC: Oh, technology is all right.
EO: But you need science if you want technology.
BC: No, science evolves; but technology is a special creation. Just pray and you’ll get it. If you don’t know how to pray, ask Rev. Huggable; he’ll teach you.
EO: Anything else special about 1925?
BC: Illegal immigrants who came here before 1925 were all respectable and acceptable; immigrants who came after 1925, whether legal or illegal, are all despicable.
EO: Why so?
BC: Because it was a portal year.
EO: I don’t follow you.
BC: That means you are a liberal. Be careful. John Asscroft is watching you.
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Politics. Show all posts
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Sunday, February 24, 2008
The Times That Try My Soul
The Times That Try My Soul
Thomas Paine said, “These are the times that try men’s’ souls.” Senator John McCain could be forgiven for saying “These are the Times that try my soul”, following the publication of allegations regarding him and a female lobbyist.
But we don’t have any evidence that he uttered such a sentiment. Perhaps he is too civilized, and worldly-wise, to complain thus about the New Dork Times. So your correspondent raised the matter with the conservative icon, Lush Dimbaugh.
Edwin Oldman: Mr. Dimbaugh, how nice to see you again!
Lush Dimbaugh: Edwin, you old liberal nitwit, it is good to be here.
EO: What do you think of the NDT story on John McCain and the lobbyist?
LD: The attractive female lobbyist, you mean? Well, I’m not surprised.
EO: You mean, you knew something was going on?
LD: No, nothing went on. McCain is too old for that kind of shenanigan; that’s why he’s running for president.
EO: Then what do you mean, you’re not surprised?
LD: I have always told John, but he never listened to me. He’s always ignored conservatives.
EO: What have you always told him?
LD: Just that you can’t party with the liberals, even if it is a bi-partisan party. You can’t look across the isle, you can’t reach across the isle and you certainly can’t walk across the isle.
EO: You mean, you told Sen. McCain not to work with the Democrats under any circumstances? What about McCain-Feingold?
LD: I told you, he never listened to me; that’s why he’s in trouble now.
EO: Why do you think he ignores your comments?
LD: During his captivity in North Vietnam, he got used to listening to commie pinko leftists. So now he can’t even hear anyone who is right.
EO: You’re saying the Democrats are no different from the North Vietnamese?
LD: Look, John McCain needs to understand who his friends are, and who his constituency is. It’s not the liberals. They might legislate with him once in a while but, when it comes to a presidential election, they’re going to attack him mercilessly.
EO: I thought that’s what you are doing.
LD: Nah, I just criticize him. The New Dork Times is the one implying he had sex in the lobby.
EO: What? I don’t recall reading that…
LD: What do you think they implied? I mean, these lobbyists do everything in the lobby; that’s why we call them lobbyists.
EO: Really?
LD: What are you, stupid, or liberal, or both? Lobbyists meet lawmakers in the lobby; they talk to them in the lobby; they give them position papers in the lobby; they give them campaign contributions in the lobby; they wine them, though not dine them, in the lobby; they even have sex with them in the lobby.
EO: But what about all the other people in the lobby?
LD: What about them? They just wait their turn, that’s all. Remember, we are talking about high-net worth people here.
EO: You’re saying McCain and Isen…
LD: I’m not saying anything; it’s the Times that’s saying things that try his soul.
EO: But why is the Times doing this?
LD: It is a desperate attempt to boost circulation, shore up their stock price and avoid a takeover by Rupert Murdoch. Well, Edwin, you liberal twit, it was nice talking to you. I have to get going now. I don’t want to be late for the Axis of Intolerance meeting this afternoon.
Thomas Paine said, “These are the times that try men’s’ souls.” Senator John McCain could be forgiven for saying “These are the Times that try my soul”, following the publication of allegations regarding him and a female lobbyist.
But we don’t have any evidence that he uttered such a sentiment. Perhaps he is too civilized, and worldly-wise, to complain thus about the New Dork Times. So your correspondent raised the matter with the conservative icon, Lush Dimbaugh.
Edwin Oldman: Mr. Dimbaugh, how nice to see you again!
Lush Dimbaugh: Edwin, you old liberal nitwit, it is good to be here.
EO: What do you think of the NDT story on John McCain and the lobbyist?
LD: The attractive female lobbyist, you mean? Well, I’m not surprised.
EO: You mean, you knew something was going on?
LD: No, nothing went on. McCain is too old for that kind of shenanigan; that’s why he’s running for president.
EO: Then what do you mean, you’re not surprised?
LD: I have always told John, but he never listened to me. He’s always ignored conservatives.
EO: What have you always told him?
LD: Just that you can’t party with the liberals, even if it is a bi-partisan party. You can’t look across the isle, you can’t reach across the isle and you certainly can’t walk across the isle.
EO: You mean, you told Sen. McCain not to work with the Democrats under any circumstances? What about McCain-Feingold?
LD: I told you, he never listened to me; that’s why he’s in trouble now.
EO: Why do you think he ignores your comments?
LD: During his captivity in North Vietnam, he got used to listening to commie pinko leftists. So now he can’t even hear anyone who is right.
EO: You’re saying the Democrats are no different from the North Vietnamese?
LD: Look, John McCain needs to understand who his friends are, and who his constituency is. It’s not the liberals. They might legislate with him once in a while but, when it comes to a presidential election, they’re going to attack him mercilessly.
EO: I thought that’s what you are doing.
LD: Nah, I just criticize him. The New Dork Times is the one implying he had sex in the lobby.
EO: What? I don’t recall reading that…
LD: What do you think they implied? I mean, these lobbyists do everything in the lobby; that’s why we call them lobbyists.
EO: Really?
LD: What are you, stupid, or liberal, or both? Lobbyists meet lawmakers in the lobby; they talk to them in the lobby; they give them position papers in the lobby; they give them campaign contributions in the lobby; they wine them, though not dine them, in the lobby; they even have sex with them in the lobby.
EO: But what about all the other people in the lobby?
LD: What about them? They just wait their turn, that’s all. Remember, we are talking about high-net worth people here.
EO: You’re saying McCain and Isen…
LD: I’m not saying anything; it’s the Times that’s saying things that try his soul.
EO: But why is the Times doing this?
LD: It is a desperate attempt to boost circulation, shore up their stock price and avoid a takeover by Rupert Murdoch. Well, Edwin, you liberal twit, it was nice talking to you. I have to get going now. I don’t want to be late for the Axis of Intolerance meeting this afternoon.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Size Matters
Size Matters
Conservative personality Lush Dimbaugh recently dropped by our offices for a chat with your correspondent, Edwin Oldman.
Oldman: “Welcome, Mr. Dimbaugh. Please have a seat over there – that couch should be sturdy enough. Can I get you anything?”
Dimbaugh: “No, thank you Edwin. I am completely fed up.”
Oldman: “Ah – you mean the presidential primaries?”
Dimbaugh: “No, those are secondary to my burning concern today.”
Oldman: “The primaries are secondary? Even though Senator McGain has gained at the expense of your team?”
Dimbaugh: “Well, that is a sore subject with me. Even Meter Omni (All Things to Al People, According to the Applause Meter) has endorsed him.”
Oldman: “But Governor Huggable is hanging in there, just like a tough conservative ought to”.
Dimbaugh: “So is Wrong Paul, but you and I know who the nominee is going to be.”
Oldman: “If McGain is nominated, are you really going to vote for the Senator from New York?”
Dimbaugh: “Nah, I was just mad – madder’n a hoot owl – when I said that. Seriously, I can’t see voting for Senator Hailmary. Nor for the other Senator – Yakyak Ohmama. I would probably just stay home on election day – sort of a real absentee ballot, if you follow me.”
Oldman: “So what’s on your mind, if it is not the election?”
Dimbaugh: “I am mad about all the poor conservatives who have conserved a little fat on their bodies – well, OK, a lot of fat – and now the liberal media are jumping all over them for obesity!”
Oldman: “Mr. Dimbaugh, are you objecting to cultural discrimination against the obese?“
Dimbaugh: “Culture, my aspect! I am talking about real, hard core discrimination. The Mississippi legislature has a bill that would prohibit restaurants from serving food to obese people. Can you believe that?”
Oldman: “Really?”
Dimbaugh: “You know I have always ranted and railed against Big Government; but now I find that governance of the Big by the Skinny is worse.”
Oldman: “Huh?”
Dimbaugh: “Skinny fitness fiends trying to tell hard working, God fearing, right thinking Americans how to live – just because we saved some fat on our bodies.”
Oldman: “Where are you going with this, Mr. Dimbaugh?”
Dimbaugh: “Skinny people burn up their body fat but guess what that does? It adds to the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere; may be even contributes to global warming. We obese people, on the other hand, store the fat in our bodies, and save the atmosphere, acting like carbon sinks. So the government should tax skinny people and subsidize fat people.”
Oldman: “Are you serious?”
Dimbaugh: “That’s why Fatrick Loosecannon would make a better president than anyone running this year; I would be even better, if you could talk me into taking the job.”
Oldman: “We can’t?”
Dimbaugh: “Why should I take a pay cut? No, Governor Huggable is the best of the lot the voters got this year. And definitely not that skinny Senator Ohmama.”
Dimbaugh: “Skinny fitness fiends trying to tell hard working, God fearing, right thinking Americans how to live – just because we saved some fat on our bodies.”
Oldman: “Where are you going with this, Mr. Dimbaugh?”
Dimbaugh: “Skinny people burn up their body fat but guess what that does? It adds to the carbon dioxide in the atmosphere; may be even contributes to global warming. We obese people, on the other hand, store the fat in our bodies, and save the atmosphere, acting like carbon sinks. So the government should tax skinny people and subsidize fat people.”
Oldman: “Are you serious?”
Dimbaugh: “That’s why Fatrick Loosecannon would make a better president than anyone running this year; I would be even better, if you could talk me into taking the job.”
Oldman: “We can’t?”
Dimbaugh: “Why should I take a pay cut? No, Governor Huggable is the best of the lot the voters got this year. And definitely not that skinny Senator Ohmama.”
Sunday, February 10, 2008
War on Error
The Five Front War: The Better Way to Fight Global Jihad
Daniel Byman
Wiley, Hardcover 320 pages US $25.95
A comprehensive look at the War on Terror and the best way to a safer future
Reviewed by Jonathan Inchley, Washington Pest
In his new book The Five Front War, Dr. Daniel Byman shows us yet another way to look at the war on terror. This book attempts to present the big picture, in terms that are comprehensible to the average citizen.
Dr. Byman is a scholar, not a politician. He faults the main approaches to combating terrorism, offered by our political leaders - military intervention and attempts to spread democracy in societies that tend to commit terrorism, especially against us. He urges us to pursue two other fronts, instead – hit them hard with counter terrorism operations and pressure our allies to enact reforms that give their citizens more ownership in the respective countries.
Daniel Byman (Washington, DC) directs the Security Studies Program and the Center for Peace and Security Studies at Georgetown University. He is a Senior Fellow at the Saban Center for Middle East Policy at the Brookings Institution and also served on the 9/11 Commission. He regularly writes about terrorism and the Middle East for the "Washington Post", "Slate", and other publications.
Some of his arguments are well founded. After all, there is no basis for believing democracy to be an effective antidote to terrorism. In fact, it has not even been demonstrated that democracy is incompatible with terrorism. After all, President George Bush was democratically elected, at least in 2004.
Secondly, if the people in a society are consumed by mass hysteria – such as a political “ism” or a religious militancy – the spread of democracy in that society will only server to empower the latent terrorist impulses of such a people. Freed from grievances against their own government, the people would be free to direct all their attention, resources and suicide bombers against the United States.
The book does not stress what is obvious to this reviewer, and perhaps to you, Dear Reader. We need to disrupt a terror-generating society in such a way as to render it impotent; and then withdraw. Nation-building is for the birds; nation-demolition, for nations that act against us, is all we should be concerned about.
True, Dr. Byman does have a point regarding counter-terrorism operations. Knocking off the leaders of the terrorist groups can be helpful – if done consistently and comprehensively. We may need to “neutralize” ten percent or more of the membership of a terrorist group – in order to be sure the targets include all those capable of leading the group effectively – before we see an appreciable reduction in acts of terrorism. But, are we capable of such an effort, especially on a sustained basis?
The first thing that usually torpedoes our counter-terrorism efforts is that somewhere some group of civilians are hit, either in addition to, or even in place of, the intended targets of terrorist. This is just a case of collateral damage; it should not deter us from persisting in our operations until we see the desired results. Instead, we apologize, look for the guilty and set about hobbling ourselves. After all, the civilians provide food, shelter, money and other resources to support the terrorists. There is nothing wrong in taking action to reduce the sources of support for any group that acts against us.
The author is right to urge that we form strong alliances in our fight against terror. But the allies we need are not the governing classes, but the criminal classes. Think about it. If the terror-generator society gets addicted to debilitating drug use, that can only help us; the more of their young men, and women, are zombied out, the fewer there will be who are capable of committing terrorism.
Similarly, we should encourage the young men and women of such societies to freely engage in wild orgies, discarding all inhibitions. This would provide a number of benefits. “Make love, not war” – implemented in this manner – is a very viable solution.
Longer term, such behavior weakens the authority of traditional authorities – be they religious, political or cultural. Since the terrorism usually owes much of its sponsorship to traditional authorities, weakening their grip on young men and women can be the first step in our war on terror.
In the absence of such steps, ours can only be a war on error. It is a pity that this well-written book does not follow an enlightening analysis with such brilliant solutions.
Jonathan Incley’s e-mail address is inchleyj@wahingtonpest.com
Daniel Byman
Wiley, Hardcover 320 pages US $25.95
A comprehensive look at the War on Terror and the best way to a safer future
Reviewed by Jonathan Inchley, Washington Pest
In his new book The Five Front War, Dr. Daniel Byman shows us yet another way to look at the war on terror. This book attempts to present the big picture, in terms that are comprehensible to the average citizen.
Dr. Byman is a scholar, not a politician. He faults the main approaches to combating terrorism, offered by our political leaders - military intervention and attempts to spread democracy in societies that tend to commit terrorism, especially against us. He urges us to pursue two other fronts, instead – hit them hard with counter terrorism operations and pressure our allies to enact reforms that give their citizens more ownership in the respective countries.
Daniel Byman (Washington, DC) directs the Security Studies Program and the Center for Peace and Security Studies at Georgetown University. He is a Senior Fellow at the Saban Center for Middle East Policy at the Brookings Institution and also served on the 9/11 Commission. He regularly writes about terrorism and the Middle East for the "Washington Post", "Slate", and other publications.
Some of his arguments are well founded. After all, there is no basis for believing democracy to be an effective antidote to terrorism. In fact, it has not even been demonstrated that democracy is incompatible with terrorism. After all, President George Bush was democratically elected, at least in 2004.
Secondly, if the people in a society are consumed by mass hysteria – such as a political “ism” or a religious militancy – the spread of democracy in that society will only server to empower the latent terrorist impulses of such a people. Freed from grievances against their own government, the people would be free to direct all their attention, resources and suicide bombers against the United States.
The book does not stress what is obvious to this reviewer, and perhaps to you, Dear Reader. We need to disrupt a terror-generating society in such a way as to render it impotent; and then withdraw. Nation-building is for the birds; nation-demolition, for nations that act against us, is all we should be concerned about.
True, Dr. Byman does have a point regarding counter-terrorism operations. Knocking off the leaders of the terrorist groups can be helpful – if done consistently and comprehensively. We may need to “neutralize” ten percent or more of the membership of a terrorist group – in order to be sure the targets include all those capable of leading the group effectively – before we see an appreciable reduction in acts of terrorism. But, are we capable of such an effort, especially on a sustained basis?
The first thing that usually torpedoes our counter-terrorism efforts is that somewhere some group of civilians are hit, either in addition to, or even in place of, the intended targets of terrorist. This is just a case of collateral damage; it should not deter us from persisting in our operations until we see the desired results. Instead, we apologize, look for the guilty and set about hobbling ourselves. After all, the civilians provide food, shelter, money and other resources to support the terrorists. There is nothing wrong in taking action to reduce the sources of support for any group that acts against us.
The author is right to urge that we form strong alliances in our fight against terror. But the allies we need are not the governing classes, but the criminal classes. Think about it. If the terror-generator society gets addicted to debilitating drug use, that can only help us; the more of their young men, and women, are zombied out, the fewer there will be who are capable of committing terrorism.
Similarly, we should encourage the young men and women of such societies to freely engage in wild orgies, discarding all inhibitions. This would provide a number of benefits. “Make love, not war” – implemented in this manner – is a very viable solution.
Longer term, such behavior weakens the authority of traditional authorities – be they religious, political or cultural. Since the terrorism usually owes much of its sponsorship to traditional authorities, weakening their grip on young men and women can be the first step in our war on terror.
In the absence of such steps, ours can only be a war on error. It is a pity that this well-written book does not follow an enlightening analysis with such brilliant solutions.
Jonathan Incley’s e-mail address is inchleyj@wahingtonpest.com
Mardi Grand
Mardi Grand
The day after Governor Meter Omni (All Things to All People, According to the Applause Meter) announced his withdrawal from contention for the Richbuttlican presidential nomination, your correspondent caught up with him. Actually, your correspondent ran into the former Governor at a Boston fish market.
Correspondent: “Fancy meeting you here, Governor!”
Omni: “Edwin Oldman! What brings you here, strictly speaking?”
C: “I came to get Scrod.”
O: “Ah, I know all about it. I got scrod last Tuesday.”
C: “You did?”
O: “Ha ha. I was talking about my disappointing showing on Mardi Grand.”
C: “Mardi Grand? Oh, Super Tuesday? Governor, I believe the French just call it Super Mardi”.
O: “Shows how little they know.”
C: “So, Governor, what are your plans now that you’re out of the running?”
O: “Well, Ed, you know I am a conservative. So, right now, I am working on conserving – what’s left of my capital. We have a free market and a free press, but darn it – our campaigns are far from free. I had to pay through the nose.”
C: “I mean, what are your plans until 2012?”
O: “Perhaps go back to investment banking. Make money. There is a lot to be said for behaving like a real capitalist. After all, Karl Marx would have been a lot happier if, instead of writing about Das Kapital, he had focused on accumulating some.”
C: “Do you plan to run again for the 2012 nomination? “
O: “Yes, of course. I believe in staying the course. It’s just that I need enough resources for my own surge.”
C: “Do you think you are up to the stress and strain of another campaign?”
O: “Oh, sure. Especially if I don’t have the pains in the side I had this time.”
C: “Pains? In the side?”
O: “You know, Senator McGain was a constant thorn in my left side, and Reverend Huggable managed to land a few blows on my right side.”
C: “So what makes you think it would be better for you in 2012?”
O: “Well, the Senator should be four years older by then, and less able to withstand the rigors of the campaign. Plus, he would have alienated even more people. As for the Reverend, one never knows when a scandal might erupt involving him.”
C: “What scandal? What do you know that my readers don’t?”
O: “Oh, I don’t know anything, but the odds are in favor of a scandal. Just look at some other well known preachers – like Merry Swagger; or, look at other former governors of Arkansas, who may or may not have had sex with ‘that woman’, depending on your definition - of sex, had, and woman.”
C: “Why do you think you failed to win big in the South, in spite of your conservative credentials?”
O: “It’s you guys in the chattering classes. You keep harping on my Moreman faith, and worked against me in the South – especially with the lesser men you find there in abundance. They recognized the Reverend as one of their own, the SOBs.”
C: “Excuse me!”
O: “You know, the people living South of Baltimore.”
C: “It surprised many of us that you didn’t seek the support of another prominent conservative, ex-Senator George Fallen in Virginia.”
O: “I sought it all right, and even found it, but it wasn’t what I expected it to be. Every time he tried to say ‘Mike Huggable’, it came out sounding too much like ‘Macaca’. So I said, ‘George, this isn’t good news.’ He replied, ‘Good noose? Did I ever tell you about the good noose I had in my office?’ Then I told him, ‘George, I know you really want to help me. So why don’t you campaign for one of the Democracks?’ But he couldn’t bring himself to do it; he has always been a Richbuttlican, as have I.”
C: “You really asked Senator Fallen to campaign for a Democrack? Why?”
O: “If you know George, you would appreciate how much his support can mean – to the opponent of anyone he supports. But, if by some chance, he helped to turn 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into a Broad House or a Black House for the next four years, that would only set the stage for me to come storming back in 2012.”
C: “How do you propose to convince the Richbuttlican base that you are conservative enough and, at the same time, convince the independents that you are centrist enough?”
O: “Ed, you’re talking about appealing to the Middle. Exactly what McGain has done. Well, I believe in eliminating the Middle Man. So I would just explain the facts of life to our base.”
C: “You don’t mean the birds and the bees? Don’t they already know that stuff?”
O: Oh, sure. That’s why they have good reproductivity, even if their productivity is pretty low. What I mean is this – look, supporting Gay Marriage is a Pro Life position. Very few gay couples, unlike straight couples, go in for an abortion. I’m sure our base would support me once they understand that. Plus, my position helps to send more Democracks to hell.”
C: “I see. Actually, I don’t see.”
O: “Let’s take another issue – my faith. I will explain to people that I am nominally Moreman; but the real faith I practiced for many years, and now intend to practice for the next three years, is the Mammon faith. To turn this country around, we need to all worship Mammon instead of God – at least until we hit the age of Social Security eligibility. Then we should strictly worship God – because only He can save the Social Security fund.”
The day after Governor Meter Omni (All Things to All People, According to the Applause Meter) announced his withdrawal from contention for the Richbuttlican presidential nomination, your correspondent caught up with him. Actually, your correspondent ran into the former Governor at a Boston fish market.
Correspondent: “Fancy meeting you here, Governor!”
Omni: “Edwin Oldman! What brings you here, strictly speaking?”
C: “I came to get Scrod.”
O: “Ah, I know all about it. I got scrod last Tuesday.”
C: “You did?”
O: “Ha ha. I was talking about my disappointing showing on Mardi Grand.”
C: “Mardi Grand? Oh, Super Tuesday? Governor, I believe the French just call it Super Mardi”.
O: “Shows how little they know.”
C: “So, Governor, what are your plans now that you’re out of the running?”
O: “Well, Ed, you know I am a conservative. So, right now, I am working on conserving – what’s left of my capital. We have a free market and a free press, but darn it – our campaigns are far from free. I had to pay through the nose.”
C: “I mean, what are your plans until 2012?”
O: “Perhaps go back to investment banking. Make money. There is a lot to be said for behaving like a real capitalist. After all, Karl Marx would have been a lot happier if, instead of writing about Das Kapital, he had focused on accumulating some.”
C: “Do you plan to run again for the 2012 nomination? “
O: “Yes, of course. I believe in staying the course. It’s just that I need enough resources for my own surge.”
C: “Do you think you are up to the stress and strain of another campaign?”
O: “Oh, sure. Especially if I don’t have the pains in the side I had this time.”
C: “Pains? In the side?”
O: “You know, Senator McGain was a constant thorn in my left side, and Reverend Huggable managed to land a few blows on my right side.”
C: “So what makes you think it would be better for you in 2012?”
O: “Well, the Senator should be four years older by then, and less able to withstand the rigors of the campaign. Plus, he would have alienated even more people. As for the Reverend, one never knows when a scandal might erupt involving him.”
C: “What scandal? What do you know that my readers don’t?”
O: “Oh, I don’t know anything, but the odds are in favor of a scandal. Just look at some other well known preachers – like Merry Swagger; or, look at other former governors of Arkansas, who may or may not have had sex with ‘that woman’, depending on your definition - of sex, had, and woman.”
C: “Why do you think you failed to win big in the South, in spite of your conservative credentials?”
O: “It’s you guys in the chattering classes. You keep harping on my Moreman faith, and worked against me in the South – especially with the lesser men you find there in abundance. They recognized the Reverend as one of their own, the SOBs.”
C: “Excuse me!”
O: “You know, the people living South of Baltimore.”
C: “It surprised many of us that you didn’t seek the support of another prominent conservative, ex-Senator George Fallen in Virginia.”
O: “I sought it all right, and even found it, but it wasn’t what I expected it to be. Every time he tried to say ‘Mike Huggable’, it came out sounding too much like ‘Macaca’. So I said, ‘George, this isn’t good news.’ He replied, ‘Good noose? Did I ever tell you about the good noose I had in my office?’ Then I told him, ‘George, I know you really want to help me. So why don’t you campaign for one of the Democracks?’ But he couldn’t bring himself to do it; he has always been a Richbuttlican, as have I.”
C: “You really asked Senator Fallen to campaign for a Democrack? Why?”
O: “If you know George, you would appreciate how much his support can mean – to the opponent of anyone he supports. But, if by some chance, he helped to turn 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into a Broad House or a Black House for the next four years, that would only set the stage for me to come storming back in 2012.”
C: “How do you propose to convince the Richbuttlican base that you are conservative enough and, at the same time, convince the independents that you are centrist enough?”
O: “Ed, you’re talking about appealing to the Middle. Exactly what McGain has done. Well, I believe in eliminating the Middle Man. So I would just explain the facts of life to our base.”
C: “You don’t mean the birds and the bees? Don’t they already know that stuff?”
O: Oh, sure. That’s why they have good reproductivity, even if their productivity is pretty low. What I mean is this – look, supporting Gay Marriage is a Pro Life position. Very few gay couples, unlike straight couples, go in for an abortion. I’m sure our base would support me once they understand that. Plus, my position helps to send more Democracks to hell.”
C: “I see. Actually, I don’t see.”
O: “Let’s take another issue – my faith. I will explain to people that I am nominally Moreman; but the real faith I practiced for many years, and now intend to practice for the next three years, is the Mammon faith. To turn this country around, we need to all worship Mammon instead of God – at least until we hit the age of Social Security eligibility. Then we should strictly worship God – because only He can save the Social Security fund.”
Friday, February 8, 2008
President Warms to Climate Change
Reprinted by permission of The Washington Pest
President Warms to Climate Change
By Jean Biergarten
Friday, February 8, 2008
President George W. Tush announced today the establishment of a federal agency, called the National Institute of Complementary and Alternative Sciences (NICAS).
He said, “Like I told y’all in my State of the Onion address, my administration administers climate change very serially. Al Bore may have gotten no Bell prize for it but the proof is in the puddling; we’re actually doing something about it. NICAS will be responsible for monitutoring and mangling new or contraversarial sciences and technologies – like Special Creation, Special Cremation and Special Canceration. Now y’all know I am not a scientist but this gentleman is, so I am going to ask him to tell you all about it.” He then turned the podium over to Albert Eigenstein, Special Advisor to the President (SAP) on Complementary and Alternative Science, who is on leave from Satanford University.
The SAP described the organization chart, mission, vision and goals of NICAS in excruciating and soporific detail. At long last, he took questions from the reporters.
All Creep Journal: “Dr. Eigenstein, why is the Administration, at this late stage, adding another layer of bureaucracy to interfere in the working of the free market and hobble American competitiveness?”
SAP: “Ms. Spencer, you, of all people, should be well aware of the mounting danger of global warming caused by the accumulation of carbon dioxide, derived principally from the burning of fossil fuels and the concurrent depletion of carbon sinks, such as tropical forests, on our planet. Left unattended, this problem has the real potential to drastically impact all American economic activity. What would that do to our competitiveness? As for the free market, it had its chance to address the problem and blew it totally. That’s all behind us now that the Tush Administration has stepped in.”
Fright Wing Noose: “Mr. Advisor, this Administration has less than one year left in office. So, how can you be sure the next administration will continue the efforts that you are launching now with so much effort?”
SAP: “Mr. Hawk, our President knows how the game is played. We are executing reciprocal monitoring posts with the European Union, Japan, Brazil, Russia, India and China. That means, we send our engineers over there to measure carbon emissions and climate impact; their engineers come over here and do the same. Let the next administration – any administration – try to undo that set up and you’ll hear an uproar of international protest, I guarantee it.”
Wisconsin State Urnal: “Al, where will the foreign engineers be stationed in the United States?”
SAP: “ Atlantic City, Las Vegas and Hawaii are the initial locations. We may expand the program to Idaho, Wyoming and Montana in about six months.”
Washington Post: “What actions will NICAS be empowered to take?”
SAP: “Jane, NICAS has the responsibility, and the authority, to fully monitor the adverse effects of climate change, develop scenarios for their impact on the American economy – in five year increments – and propose mitigation strategies. Further, NICAS will oversee the procurement of pilot projects to implement the selected mitigation approaches. In view of the urgency of climate change, NICAS will be exempt from FAR and authorized to accomplish all its work via No Bid Sole Source contracts.”
The Economist: “Which sciences will be the focus of NICAS?”
SAP: “That is a very important question. I will turn it over to the President of the United States.”
POTUS: You may know there are a lot of smart people who advise me on science and technology. The Coastal Liberal Intellectuals may cling to old fashioned science, like Evolution, and harp on unproven pet theories, like Cigarettes Causing Lung Cancer. But my advisors know better and, from what they tell me, I know better.
Take Special Creation, for insistence. Liberals keep talking about Darwin, monkeys and evolution. But my advisors, and I, are smarter than monkeys. We will study life forms to demounstrate how God used Special Creation to create life forms that adapt to changes in their environment.
Another area of study will be Special Cremation. Again, Pointy Heads can keep talking all they want about carbon emissions causing global warming. My advisors, like Albert here, have shown me the warming is real but it comes from above; that is, from Divine Intervention, to really burn the countries and the people that are polluting too much.”
Dr. Sunjoy Gupta: “Mr. Pesident, you mentioned a third area of complementary and alternative science at the beginning; something like Special Canceration. What did you mean by that?”
POTUS: “Doc, you know me. I say what I mean and I mean what I say, unlike the Eggheads. And I am very mean in this matter. I have never believed the Democrat propaganda about cigarettes causing lung cancer. That is just a vicious attack on hard working tobacco companies that provide good jobs to a lot of middle Americans. Now, my advisors have convinced me that people who smoke a lot of cigarettes for a long time usually have stress issues, relationship issues, and personality issues. All these issues make them less likely to go to church regularly. So the lung cancer is God’s way of punishing them for their behavior.”
SAP: “This concludes the press conference. You can pick up a hard copy of the President’s announcement in the hall as you exit.”
Jean Biergarten’s e-mail address is jbiergarten@washingtonpest.com
President Warms to Climate Change
By Jean Biergarten
Friday, February 8, 2008
President George W. Tush announced today the establishment of a federal agency, called the National Institute of Complementary and Alternative Sciences (NICAS).
He said, “Like I told y’all in my State of the Onion address, my administration administers climate change very serially. Al Bore may have gotten no Bell prize for it but the proof is in the puddling; we’re actually doing something about it. NICAS will be responsible for monitutoring and mangling new or contraversarial sciences and technologies – like Special Creation, Special Cremation and Special Canceration. Now y’all know I am not a scientist but this gentleman is, so I am going to ask him to tell you all about it.” He then turned the podium over to Albert Eigenstein, Special Advisor to the President (SAP) on Complementary and Alternative Science, who is on leave from Satanford University.
The SAP described the organization chart, mission, vision and goals of NICAS in excruciating and soporific detail. At long last, he took questions from the reporters.
All Creep Journal: “Dr. Eigenstein, why is the Administration, at this late stage, adding another layer of bureaucracy to interfere in the working of the free market and hobble American competitiveness?”
SAP: “Ms. Spencer, you, of all people, should be well aware of the mounting danger of global warming caused by the accumulation of carbon dioxide, derived principally from the burning of fossil fuels and the concurrent depletion of carbon sinks, such as tropical forests, on our planet. Left unattended, this problem has the real potential to drastically impact all American economic activity. What would that do to our competitiveness? As for the free market, it had its chance to address the problem and blew it totally. That’s all behind us now that the Tush Administration has stepped in.”
Fright Wing Noose: “Mr. Advisor, this Administration has less than one year left in office. So, how can you be sure the next administration will continue the efforts that you are launching now with so much effort?”
SAP: “Mr. Hawk, our President knows how the game is played. We are executing reciprocal monitoring posts with the European Union, Japan, Brazil, Russia, India and China. That means, we send our engineers over there to measure carbon emissions and climate impact; their engineers come over here and do the same. Let the next administration – any administration – try to undo that set up and you’ll hear an uproar of international protest, I guarantee it.”
Wisconsin State Urnal: “Al, where will the foreign engineers be stationed in the United States?”
SAP: “ Atlantic City, Las Vegas and Hawaii are the initial locations. We may expand the program to Idaho, Wyoming and Montana in about six months.”
Washington Post: “What actions will NICAS be empowered to take?”
SAP: “Jane, NICAS has the responsibility, and the authority, to fully monitor the adverse effects of climate change, develop scenarios for their impact on the American economy – in five year increments – and propose mitigation strategies. Further, NICAS will oversee the procurement of pilot projects to implement the selected mitigation approaches. In view of the urgency of climate change, NICAS will be exempt from FAR and authorized to accomplish all its work via No Bid Sole Source contracts.”
The Economist: “Which sciences will be the focus of NICAS?”
SAP: “That is a very important question. I will turn it over to the President of the United States.”
POTUS: You may know there are a lot of smart people who advise me on science and technology. The Coastal Liberal Intellectuals may cling to old fashioned science, like Evolution, and harp on unproven pet theories, like Cigarettes Causing Lung Cancer. But my advisors know better and, from what they tell me, I know better.
Take Special Creation, for insistence. Liberals keep talking about Darwin, monkeys and evolution. But my advisors, and I, are smarter than monkeys. We will study life forms to demounstrate how God used Special Creation to create life forms that adapt to changes in their environment.
Another area of study will be Special Cremation. Again, Pointy Heads can keep talking all they want about carbon emissions causing global warming. My advisors, like Albert here, have shown me the warming is real but it comes from above; that is, from Divine Intervention, to really burn the countries and the people that are polluting too much.”
Dr. Sunjoy Gupta: “Mr. Pesident, you mentioned a third area of complementary and alternative science at the beginning; something like Special Canceration. What did you mean by that?”
POTUS: “Doc, you know me. I say what I mean and I mean what I say, unlike the Eggheads. And I am very mean in this matter. I have never believed the Democrat propaganda about cigarettes causing lung cancer. That is just a vicious attack on hard working tobacco companies that provide good jobs to a lot of middle Americans. Now, my advisors have convinced me that people who smoke a lot of cigarettes for a long time usually have stress issues, relationship issues, and personality issues. All these issues make them less likely to go to church regularly. So the lung cancer is God’s way of punishing them for their behavior.”
SAP: “This concludes the press conference. You can pick up a hard copy of the President’s announcement in the hall as you exit.”
Jean Biergarten’s e-mail address is jbiergarten@washingtonpest.com
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Irrelevant Conservatives Can't Stop McCain
So Lush Dumbaugh is waging a campaign against Senator John McCain? Who is going to buy into this? Dumbaugh's opposition should be worth a few additional points for McCain when the votes are tallied tonight. Personally, I would be extremely skeptical of any candidate endorsed by a Big Fat Idiot.
John McCain is a proven patriot, with decades of public service and a strong appeal to voters across our political spectrum. On the other hand, who exactly is Lush Dumbaugh? A member of the Axis of Intolerance, along with Mean Mannity and Ass Falter. That Evil Troika will be the Axis of Irrelevance after Super Tuesday. After all, if you came across a coyote howling at the moon, wouldn't you be tempted to shoot the coyote and enjoy the moonlight?
Didn't Lush Dumbaugh support Fatrick Pukeannan against Bush the Elder? Who won that round? Fatrick Pukeannan? The rectum rectorum of American politics?
What exactly do these "conservatives" conserve? Here is my list.
They don't care about hard working, law abiding, tax paying, God fearing Americans losing their jobs, homes and health insurance because their economic and legal systems allow, may be encourage, fat cat robber barons add to their ill gotten gains by sending jobs overseas. They will say the government has no business interfering in the working of the free market. What they mean is that the government has no business impacting the fortunes of their contributors. Why not consider measures to discourage the loss of jobs - say, disallowing tax deductions for expenses associated with outsourced jobs? May be go a little further and actively levy a penalty on said expenses (e.g., salaries and other expenses incurred overseas) and/or double the tax rate on income derived from offshore operations? No, they cannot stomach such thoughts, for these "con men" are a lesser breed without compassion, or even a conscience. All they conserve is their subhuman stunted emotional maturity and their affinity to chimpanzees.
They don't care about the unemployed, the underemployed and formerly employed (see Outsourcing above) losing their health insurance, often in the face of health problems, and facing painful choices about caring for seriously ill family members. All other developed nations have a better health insurance policy in place; but our conservatives don't want any measures that would tend to inconvenience Big Pharma, Big Bad Insurance. All the chumpanzee conservatives are conserving are the pocketbooks of their cronies among the Thief Executive Officers who benefit from working people's misery.
They don't care about desperate men and women who flee war, pestilence, inhuman living conditions and undertake a life-threatening trek across dangerous terrain just to work at transient jobs in America for a minimum wage. Not that they are capable of really sealing our borders; they just want to go through the motions and, in the process, siphon humongous amounts of funds to their crony companies for building ineffective and inoperable systems at outrage prices. Why not allow our neighbors to come over and work here, filling jobs our people don't seem to want to do? Make it easy for them to work here legally and get them to pay income and social security taxes, thus helping our economy. If they don't want that, are they willing to put the squeeze on employers, who knowingly or uncaringly, employ illegal immigrants? No, that would be government interference in the free market.
While we are at it, why not make it easier for our retirees to live in Mexico and Central America, and visit their families and friends in CONUS as easily as the retirees now living in Florida and Arizona? Perhaps the lower cost of living in those countries would help to slow down the increase in Social Security payments and ease the crunch on its funds. Nah- that would be too humane. These guys have never cared an iota about anyone but themselves. All the chumpanzees can conserve is laissez faire idiocy.
The Axis of Intolerance can't stop Senator McCain's Straight Talk Express. It is going to ride right over them. If they don't like the effect, they can always move to Iran, Iraq or North Korea.
John McCain is a proven patriot, with decades of public service and a strong appeal to voters across our political spectrum. On the other hand, who exactly is Lush Dumbaugh? A member of the Axis of Intolerance, along with Mean Mannity and Ass Falter. That Evil Troika will be the Axis of Irrelevance after Super Tuesday. After all, if you came across a coyote howling at the moon, wouldn't you be tempted to shoot the coyote and enjoy the moonlight?
Didn't Lush Dumbaugh support Fatrick Pukeannan against Bush the Elder? Who won that round? Fatrick Pukeannan? The rectum rectorum of American politics?
What exactly do these "conservatives" conserve? Here is my list.
They don't care about hard working, law abiding, tax paying, God fearing Americans losing their jobs, homes and health insurance because their economic and legal systems allow, may be encourage, fat cat robber barons add to their ill gotten gains by sending jobs overseas. They will say the government has no business interfering in the working of the free market. What they mean is that the government has no business impacting the fortunes of their contributors. Why not consider measures to discourage the loss of jobs - say, disallowing tax deductions for expenses associated with outsourced jobs? May be go a little further and actively levy a penalty on said expenses (e.g., salaries and other expenses incurred overseas) and/or double the tax rate on income derived from offshore operations? No, they cannot stomach such thoughts, for these "con men" are a lesser breed without compassion, or even a conscience. All they conserve is their subhuman stunted emotional maturity and their affinity to chimpanzees.
They don't care about the unemployed, the underemployed and formerly employed (see Outsourcing above) losing their health insurance, often in the face of health problems, and facing painful choices about caring for seriously ill family members. All other developed nations have a better health insurance policy in place; but our conservatives don't want any measures that would tend to inconvenience Big Pharma, Big Bad Insurance. All the chumpanzee conservatives are conserving are the pocketbooks of their cronies among the Thief Executive Officers who benefit from working people's misery.
They don't care about desperate men and women who flee war, pestilence, inhuman living conditions and undertake a life-threatening trek across dangerous terrain just to work at transient jobs in America for a minimum wage. Not that they are capable of really sealing our borders; they just want to go through the motions and, in the process, siphon humongous amounts of funds to their crony companies for building ineffective and inoperable systems at outrage prices. Why not allow our neighbors to come over and work here, filling jobs our people don't seem to want to do? Make it easy for them to work here legally and get them to pay income and social security taxes, thus helping our economy. If they don't want that, are they willing to put the squeeze on employers, who knowingly or uncaringly, employ illegal immigrants? No, that would be government interference in the free market.
While we are at it, why not make it easier for our retirees to live in Mexico and Central America, and visit their families and friends in CONUS as easily as the retirees now living in Florida and Arizona? Perhaps the lower cost of living in those countries would help to slow down the increase in Social Security payments and ease the crunch on its funds. Nah- that would be too humane. These guys have never cared an iota about anyone but themselves. All the chumpanzees can conserve is laissez faire idiocy.
The Axis of Intolerance can't stop Senator McCain's Straight Talk Express. It is going to ride right over them. If they don't like the effect, they can always move to Iran, Iraq or North Korea.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
