The Times That Try My Soul

The Times That Try My Soul

Thomas Paine said, “These are the times that try men’s’ souls.” Senator John McCain could be forgiven for saying “These are the Times that try my soul”, following the publication of allegations regarding him and a female lobbyist.

But we don’t have any evidence that he uttered such a sentiment. Perhaps he is too civilized, and worldly-wise, to complain thus about the New Dork Times. So your correspondent raised the matter with the conservative icon, Lush Dimbaugh.

Edwin Oldman: Mr. Dimbaugh, how nice to see you again!

Lush Dimbaugh: Edwin, you old liberal nitwit, it is good to be here.

EO: What do you think of the NDT story on John McCain and the lobbyist?

LD: The attractive female lobbyist, you mean? Well, I’m not surprised.

EO: You mean, you knew something was going on?

LD: No, nothing went on. McCain is too old for that kind of shenanigan; that’s why he’s running for president.

EO: Then what do you mean, you’re not surprised?

LD: I have always told John, but he never listened to me. He’s always ignored conservatives.

EO: What have you always told him?

LD: Just that you can’t party with the liberals, even if it is a bi-partisan party. You can’t look across the isle, you can’t reach across the isle and you certainly can’t walk across the isle.

EO: You mean, you told Sen. McCain not to work with the Democrats under any circumstances? What about McCain-Feingold?

LD: I told you, he never listened to me; that’s why he’s in trouble now.

EO: Why do you think he ignores your comments?

LD: During his captivity in North Vietnam, he got used to listening to commie pinko leftists. So now he can’t even hear anyone who is right.

EO: You’re saying the Democrats are no different from the North Vietnamese?
LD: Look, John McCain needs to understand who his friends are, and who his constituency is. It’s not the liberals. They might legislate with him once in a while but, when it comes to a presidential election, they’re going to attack him mercilessly.

EO: I thought that’s what you are doing.

LD: Nah, I just criticize him. The New Dork Times is the one implying he had sex in the lobby.

EO: What? I don’t recall reading that…

LD: What do you think they implied? I mean, these lobbyists do everything in the lobby; that’s why we call them lobbyists.

EO: Really?

LD: What are you, stupid, or liberal, or both? Lobbyists meet lawmakers in the lobby; they talk to them in the lobby; they give them position papers in the lobby; they give them campaign contributions in the lobby; they wine them, though not dine them, in the lobby; they even have sex with them in the lobby.

EO: But what about all the other people in the lobby?

LD: What about them? They just wait their turn, that’s all. Remember, we are talking about high-net worth people here.

EO: You’re saying McCain and Isen…

LD: I’m not saying anything; it’s the Times that’s saying things that try his soul.

EO: But why is the Times doing this?

LD: It is a desperate attempt to boost circulation, shore up their stock price and avoid a takeover by Rupert Murdoch. Well, Edwin, you liberal twit, it was nice talking to you. I have to get going now. I don’t want to be late for the Axis of Intolerance meeting this afternoon.