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The Five Front War: The Better Way to Fight Global Jihad
Daniel Byman
Wiley, Hardcover 320 pages US $25.95
A comprehensive look at the War on Terror and the best way to a safer future
Reviewed by Jonathan Inchley, Washington Pest
In his new book The Five Front War, Dr. Daniel Byman shows us yet another way to look at the war on terror. This book attempts to present the big picture, in terms that are comprehensible to the average citizen.
Dr. Byman is a scholar, not a politician. He faults the main approaches to combating terrorism, offered by our political leaders - military intervention and attempts to spread democracy in societies that tend to commit terrorism, especially against us. He urges us to pursue two other fronts, instead – hit them hard with counter terrorism operations and pressure our allies to enact reforms that give their citizens more ownership in the respective countries.
Daniel Byman (Washington, DC) directs the Security Studies Program and the Center for Peace and Security Studies at Georgetown University. He is a Senior Fellow at the Saban Center for Middle East Policy at the Brookings Institution and also served on the 9/11 Commission. He regularly writes about terrorism and the Middle East for the "Washington Post", "Slate", and other publications.
Some of his arguments are well founded. After all, there is no basis for believing democracy to be an effective antidote to terrorism. In fact, it has not even been demonstrated that democracy is incompatible with terrorism. After all, President George Bush was democratically elected, at least in 2004.
Secondly, if the people in a society are consumed by mass hysteria – such as a political “ism” or a religious militancy – the spread of democracy in that society will only server to empower the latent terrorist impulses of such a people. Freed from grievances against their own government, the people would be free to direct all their attention, resources and suicide bombers against the United States.
The book does not stress what is obvious to this reviewer, and perhaps to you, Dear Reader. We need to disrupt a terror-generating society in such a way as to render it impotent; and then withdraw. Nation-building is for the birds; nation-demolition, for nations that act against us, is all we should be concerned about.
True, Dr. Byman does have a point regarding counter-terrorism operations. Knocking off the leaders of the terrorist groups can be helpful – if done consistently and comprehensively. We may need to “neutralize” ten percent or more of the membership of a terrorist group – in order to be sure the targets include all those capable of leading the group effectively – before we see an appreciable reduction in acts of terrorism. But, are we capable of such an effort, especially on a sustained basis?
The first thing that usually torpedoes our counter-terrorism efforts is that somewhere some group of civilians are hit, either in addition to, or even in place of, the intended targets of terrorist. This is just a case of collateral damage; it should not deter us from persisting in our operations until we see the desired results. Instead, we apologize, look for the guilty and set about hobbling ourselves. After all, the civilians provide food, shelter, money and other resources to support the terrorists. There is nothing wrong in taking action to reduce the sources of support for any group that acts against us.
The author is right to urge that we form strong alliances in our fight against terror. But the allies we need are not the governing classes, but the criminal classes. Think about it. If the terror-generator society gets addicted to debilitating drug use, that can only help us; the more of their young men, and women, are zombied out, the fewer there will be who are capable of committing terrorism.
Similarly, we should encourage the young men and women of such societies to freely engage in wild orgies, discarding all inhibitions. This would provide a number of benefits. “Make love, not war” – implemented in this manner – is a very viable solution.
Longer term, such behavior weakens the authority of traditional authorities – be they religious, political or cultural. Since the terrorism usually owes much of its sponsorship to traditional authorities, weakening their grip on young men and women can be the first step in our war on terror.
In the absence of such steps, ours can only be a war on error. It is a pity that this well-written book does not follow an enlightening analysis with such brilliant solutions.
Jonathan Incley’s e-mail address is inchleyj@wahingtonpest.com
Sunday, February 10, 2008
Mardi Grand
Mardi Grand
The day after Governor Meter Omni (All Things to All People, According to the Applause Meter) announced his withdrawal from contention for the Richbuttlican presidential nomination, your correspondent caught up with him. Actually, your correspondent ran into the former Governor at a Boston fish market.
Correspondent: “Fancy meeting you here, Governor!”
Omni: “Edwin Oldman! What brings you here, strictly speaking?”
C: “I came to get Scrod.”
O: “Ah, I know all about it. I got scrod last Tuesday.”
C: “You did?”
O: “Ha ha. I was talking about my disappointing showing on Mardi Grand.”
C: “Mardi Grand? Oh, Super Tuesday? Governor, I believe the French just call it Super Mardi”.
O: “Shows how little they know.”
C: “So, Governor, what are your plans now that you’re out of the running?”
O: “Well, Ed, you know I am a conservative. So, right now, I am working on conserving – what’s left of my capital. We have a free market and a free press, but darn it – our campaigns are far from free. I had to pay through the nose.”
C: “I mean, what are your plans until 2012?”
O: “Perhaps go back to investment banking. Make money. There is a lot to be said for behaving like a real capitalist. After all, Karl Marx would have been a lot happier if, instead of writing about Das Kapital, he had focused on accumulating some.”
C: “Do you plan to run again for the 2012 nomination? “
O: “Yes, of course. I believe in staying the course. It’s just that I need enough resources for my own surge.”
C: “Do you think you are up to the stress and strain of another campaign?”
O: “Oh, sure. Especially if I don’t have the pains in the side I had this time.”
C: “Pains? In the side?”
O: “You know, Senator McGain was a constant thorn in my left side, and Reverend Huggable managed to land a few blows on my right side.”
C: “So what makes you think it would be better for you in 2012?”
O: “Well, the Senator should be four years older by then, and less able to withstand the rigors of the campaign. Plus, he would have alienated even more people. As for the Reverend, one never knows when a scandal might erupt involving him.”
C: “What scandal? What do you know that my readers don’t?”
O: “Oh, I don’t know anything, but the odds are in favor of a scandal. Just look at some other well known preachers – like Merry Swagger; or, look at other former governors of Arkansas, who may or may not have had sex with ‘that woman’, depending on your definition - of sex, had, and woman.”
C: “Why do you think you failed to win big in the South, in spite of your conservative credentials?”
O: “It’s you guys in the chattering classes. You keep harping on my Moreman faith, and worked against me in the South – especially with the lesser men you find there in abundance. They recognized the Reverend as one of their own, the SOBs.”
C: “Excuse me!”
O: “You know, the people living South of Baltimore.”
C: “It surprised many of us that you didn’t seek the support of another prominent conservative, ex-Senator George Fallen in Virginia.”
O: “I sought it all right, and even found it, but it wasn’t what I expected it to be. Every time he tried to say ‘Mike Huggable’, it came out sounding too much like ‘Macaca’. So I said, ‘George, this isn’t good news.’ He replied, ‘Good noose? Did I ever tell you about the good noose I had in my office?’ Then I told him, ‘George, I know you really want to help me. So why don’t you campaign for one of the Democracks?’ But he couldn’t bring himself to do it; he has always been a Richbuttlican, as have I.”
C: “You really asked Senator Fallen to campaign for a Democrack? Why?”
O: “If you know George, you would appreciate how much his support can mean – to the opponent of anyone he supports. But, if by some chance, he helped to turn 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into a Broad House or a Black House for the next four years, that would only set the stage for me to come storming back in 2012.”
C: “How do you propose to convince the Richbuttlican base that you are conservative enough and, at the same time, convince the independents that you are centrist enough?”
O: “Ed, you’re talking about appealing to the Middle. Exactly what McGain has done. Well, I believe in eliminating the Middle Man. So I would just explain the facts of life to our base.”
C: “You don’t mean the birds and the bees? Don’t they already know that stuff?”
O: Oh, sure. That’s why they have good reproductivity, even if their productivity is pretty low. What I mean is this – look, supporting Gay Marriage is a Pro Life position. Very few gay couples, unlike straight couples, go in for an abortion. I’m sure our base would support me once they understand that. Plus, my position helps to send more Democracks to hell.”
C: “I see. Actually, I don’t see.”
O: “Let’s take another issue – my faith. I will explain to people that I am nominally Moreman; but the real faith I practiced for many years, and now intend to practice for the next three years, is the Mammon faith. To turn this country around, we need to all worship Mammon instead of God – at least until we hit the age of Social Security eligibility. Then we should strictly worship God – because only He can save the Social Security fund.”
The day after Governor Meter Omni (All Things to All People, According to the Applause Meter) announced his withdrawal from contention for the Richbuttlican presidential nomination, your correspondent caught up with him. Actually, your correspondent ran into the former Governor at a Boston fish market.
Correspondent: “Fancy meeting you here, Governor!”
Omni: “Edwin Oldman! What brings you here, strictly speaking?”
C: “I came to get Scrod.”
O: “Ah, I know all about it. I got scrod last Tuesday.”
C: “You did?”
O: “Ha ha. I was talking about my disappointing showing on Mardi Grand.”
C: “Mardi Grand? Oh, Super Tuesday? Governor, I believe the French just call it Super Mardi”.
O: “Shows how little they know.”
C: “So, Governor, what are your plans now that you’re out of the running?”
O: “Well, Ed, you know I am a conservative. So, right now, I am working on conserving – what’s left of my capital. We have a free market and a free press, but darn it – our campaigns are far from free. I had to pay through the nose.”
C: “I mean, what are your plans until 2012?”
O: “Perhaps go back to investment banking. Make money. There is a lot to be said for behaving like a real capitalist. After all, Karl Marx would have been a lot happier if, instead of writing about Das Kapital, he had focused on accumulating some.”
C: “Do you plan to run again for the 2012 nomination? “
O: “Yes, of course. I believe in staying the course. It’s just that I need enough resources for my own surge.”
C: “Do you think you are up to the stress and strain of another campaign?”
O: “Oh, sure. Especially if I don’t have the pains in the side I had this time.”
C: “Pains? In the side?”
O: “You know, Senator McGain was a constant thorn in my left side, and Reverend Huggable managed to land a few blows on my right side.”
C: “So what makes you think it would be better for you in 2012?”
O: “Well, the Senator should be four years older by then, and less able to withstand the rigors of the campaign. Plus, he would have alienated even more people. As for the Reverend, one never knows when a scandal might erupt involving him.”
C: “What scandal? What do you know that my readers don’t?”
O: “Oh, I don’t know anything, but the odds are in favor of a scandal. Just look at some other well known preachers – like Merry Swagger; or, look at other former governors of Arkansas, who may or may not have had sex with ‘that woman’, depending on your definition - of sex, had, and woman.”
C: “Why do you think you failed to win big in the South, in spite of your conservative credentials?”
O: “It’s you guys in the chattering classes. You keep harping on my Moreman faith, and worked against me in the South – especially with the lesser men you find there in abundance. They recognized the Reverend as one of their own, the SOBs.”
C: “Excuse me!”
O: “You know, the people living South of Baltimore.”
C: “It surprised many of us that you didn’t seek the support of another prominent conservative, ex-Senator George Fallen in Virginia.”
O: “I sought it all right, and even found it, but it wasn’t what I expected it to be. Every time he tried to say ‘Mike Huggable’, it came out sounding too much like ‘Macaca’. So I said, ‘George, this isn’t good news.’ He replied, ‘Good noose? Did I ever tell you about the good noose I had in my office?’ Then I told him, ‘George, I know you really want to help me. So why don’t you campaign for one of the Democracks?’ But he couldn’t bring himself to do it; he has always been a Richbuttlican, as have I.”
C: “You really asked Senator Fallen to campaign for a Democrack? Why?”
O: “If you know George, you would appreciate how much his support can mean – to the opponent of anyone he supports. But, if by some chance, he helped to turn 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue into a Broad House or a Black House for the next four years, that would only set the stage for me to come storming back in 2012.”
C: “How do you propose to convince the Richbuttlican base that you are conservative enough and, at the same time, convince the independents that you are centrist enough?”
O: “Ed, you’re talking about appealing to the Middle. Exactly what McGain has done. Well, I believe in eliminating the Middle Man. So I would just explain the facts of life to our base.”
C: “You don’t mean the birds and the bees? Don’t they already know that stuff?”
O: Oh, sure. That’s why they have good reproductivity, even if their productivity is pretty low. What I mean is this – look, supporting Gay Marriage is a Pro Life position. Very few gay couples, unlike straight couples, go in for an abortion. I’m sure our base would support me once they understand that. Plus, my position helps to send more Democracks to hell.”
C: “I see. Actually, I don’t see.”
O: “Let’s take another issue – my faith. I will explain to people that I am nominally Moreman; but the real faith I practiced for many years, and now intend to practice for the next three years, is the Mammon faith. To turn this country around, we need to all worship Mammon instead of God – at least until we hit the age of Social Security eligibility. Then we should strictly worship God – because only He can save the Social Security fund.”
Friday, February 8, 2008
President Warms to Climate Change
Reprinted by permission of The Washington Pest
President Warms to Climate Change
By Jean Biergarten
Friday, February 8, 2008
President George W. Tush announced today the establishment of a federal agency, called the National Institute of Complementary and Alternative Sciences (NICAS).
He said, “Like I told y’all in my State of the Onion address, my administration administers climate change very serially. Al Bore may have gotten no Bell prize for it but the proof is in the puddling; we’re actually doing something about it. NICAS will be responsible for monitutoring and mangling new or contraversarial sciences and technologies – like Special Creation, Special Cremation and Special Canceration. Now y’all know I am not a scientist but this gentleman is, so I am going to ask him to tell you all about it.” He then turned the podium over to Albert Eigenstein, Special Advisor to the President (SAP) on Complementary and Alternative Science, who is on leave from Satanford University.
The SAP described the organization chart, mission, vision and goals of NICAS in excruciating and soporific detail. At long last, he took questions from the reporters.
All Creep Journal: “Dr. Eigenstein, why is the Administration, at this late stage, adding another layer of bureaucracy to interfere in the working of the free market and hobble American competitiveness?”
SAP: “Ms. Spencer, you, of all people, should be well aware of the mounting danger of global warming caused by the accumulation of carbon dioxide, derived principally from the burning of fossil fuels and the concurrent depletion of carbon sinks, such as tropical forests, on our planet. Left unattended, this problem has the real potential to drastically impact all American economic activity. What would that do to our competitiveness? As for the free market, it had its chance to address the problem and blew it totally. That’s all behind us now that the Tush Administration has stepped in.”
Fright Wing Noose: “Mr. Advisor, this Administration has less than one year left in office. So, how can you be sure the next administration will continue the efforts that you are launching now with so much effort?”
SAP: “Mr. Hawk, our President knows how the game is played. We are executing reciprocal monitoring posts with the European Union, Japan, Brazil, Russia, India and China. That means, we send our engineers over there to measure carbon emissions and climate impact; their engineers come over here and do the same. Let the next administration – any administration – try to undo that set up and you’ll hear an uproar of international protest, I guarantee it.”
Wisconsin State Urnal: “Al, where will the foreign engineers be stationed in the United States?”
SAP: “ Atlantic City, Las Vegas and Hawaii are the initial locations. We may expand the program to Idaho, Wyoming and Montana in about six months.”
Washington Post: “What actions will NICAS be empowered to take?”
SAP: “Jane, NICAS has the responsibility, and the authority, to fully monitor the adverse effects of climate change, develop scenarios for their impact on the American economy – in five year increments – and propose mitigation strategies. Further, NICAS will oversee the procurement of pilot projects to implement the selected mitigation approaches. In view of the urgency of climate change, NICAS will be exempt from FAR and authorized to accomplish all its work via No Bid Sole Source contracts.”
The Economist: “Which sciences will be the focus of NICAS?”
SAP: “That is a very important question. I will turn it over to the President of the United States.”
POTUS: You may know there are a lot of smart people who advise me on science and technology. The Coastal Liberal Intellectuals may cling to old fashioned science, like Evolution, and harp on unproven pet theories, like Cigarettes Causing Lung Cancer. But my advisors know better and, from what they tell me, I know better.
Take Special Creation, for insistence. Liberals keep talking about Darwin, monkeys and evolution. But my advisors, and I, are smarter than monkeys. We will study life forms to demounstrate how God used Special Creation to create life forms that adapt to changes in their environment.
Another area of study will be Special Cremation. Again, Pointy Heads can keep talking all they want about carbon emissions causing global warming. My advisors, like Albert here, have shown me the warming is real but it comes from above; that is, from Divine Intervention, to really burn the countries and the people that are polluting too much.”
Dr. Sunjoy Gupta: “Mr. Pesident, you mentioned a third area of complementary and alternative science at the beginning; something like Special Canceration. What did you mean by that?”
POTUS: “Doc, you know me. I say what I mean and I mean what I say, unlike the Eggheads. And I am very mean in this matter. I have never believed the Democrat propaganda about cigarettes causing lung cancer. That is just a vicious attack on hard working tobacco companies that provide good jobs to a lot of middle Americans. Now, my advisors have convinced me that people who smoke a lot of cigarettes for a long time usually have stress issues, relationship issues, and personality issues. All these issues make them less likely to go to church regularly. So the lung cancer is God’s way of punishing them for their behavior.”
SAP: “This concludes the press conference. You can pick up a hard copy of the President’s announcement in the hall as you exit.”
Jean Biergarten’s e-mail address is jbiergarten@washingtonpest.com
President Warms to Climate Change
By Jean Biergarten
Friday, February 8, 2008
President George W. Tush announced today the establishment of a federal agency, called the National Institute of Complementary and Alternative Sciences (NICAS).
He said, “Like I told y’all in my State of the Onion address, my administration administers climate change very serially. Al Bore may have gotten no Bell prize for it but the proof is in the puddling; we’re actually doing something about it. NICAS will be responsible for monitutoring and mangling new or contraversarial sciences and technologies – like Special Creation, Special Cremation and Special Canceration. Now y’all know I am not a scientist but this gentleman is, so I am going to ask him to tell you all about it.” He then turned the podium over to Albert Eigenstein, Special Advisor to the President (SAP) on Complementary and Alternative Science, who is on leave from Satanford University.
The SAP described the organization chart, mission, vision and goals of NICAS in excruciating and soporific detail. At long last, he took questions from the reporters.
All Creep Journal: “Dr. Eigenstein, why is the Administration, at this late stage, adding another layer of bureaucracy to interfere in the working of the free market and hobble American competitiveness?”
SAP: “Ms. Spencer, you, of all people, should be well aware of the mounting danger of global warming caused by the accumulation of carbon dioxide, derived principally from the burning of fossil fuels and the concurrent depletion of carbon sinks, such as tropical forests, on our planet. Left unattended, this problem has the real potential to drastically impact all American economic activity. What would that do to our competitiveness? As for the free market, it had its chance to address the problem and blew it totally. That’s all behind us now that the Tush Administration has stepped in.”
Fright Wing Noose: “Mr. Advisor, this Administration has less than one year left in office. So, how can you be sure the next administration will continue the efforts that you are launching now with so much effort?”
SAP: “Mr. Hawk, our President knows how the game is played. We are executing reciprocal monitoring posts with the European Union, Japan, Brazil, Russia, India and China. That means, we send our engineers over there to measure carbon emissions and climate impact; their engineers come over here and do the same. Let the next administration – any administration – try to undo that set up and you’ll hear an uproar of international protest, I guarantee it.”
Wisconsin State Urnal: “Al, where will the foreign engineers be stationed in the United States?”
SAP: “ Atlantic City, Las Vegas and Hawaii are the initial locations. We may expand the program to Idaho, Wyoming and Montana in about six months.”
Washington Post: “What actions will NICAS be empowered to take?”
SAP: “Jane, NICAS has the responsibility, and the authority, to fully monitor the adverse effects of climate change, develop scenarios for their impact on the American economy – in five year increments – and propose mitigation strategies. Further, NICAS will oversee the procurement of pilot projects to implement the selected mitigation approaches. In view of the urgency of climate change, NICAS will be exempt from FAR and authorized to accomplish all its work via No Bid Sole Source contracts.”
The Economist: “Which sciences will be the focus of NICAS?”
SAP: “That is a very important question. I will turn it over to the President of the United States.”
POTUS: You may know there are a lot of smart people who advise me on science and technology. The Coastal Liberal Intellectuals may cling to old fashioned science, like Evolution, and harp on unproven pet theories, like Cigarettes Causing Lung Cancer. But my advisors know better and, from what they tell me, I know better.
Take Special Creation, for insistence. Liberals keep talking about Darwin, monkeys and evolution. But my advisors, and I, are smarter than monkeys. We will study life forms to demounstrate how God used Special Creation to create life forms that adapt to changes in their environment.
Another area of study will be Special Cremation. Again, Pointy Heads can keep talking all they want about carbon emissions causing global warming. My advisors, like Albert here, have shown me the warming is real but it comes from above; that is, from Divine Intervention, to really burn the countries and the people that are polluting too much.”
Dr. Sunjoy Gupta: “Mr. Pesident, you mentioned a third area of complementary and alternative science at the beginning; something like Special Canceration. What did you mean by that?”
POTUS: “Doc, you know me. I say what I mean and I mean what I say, unlike the Eggheads. And I am very mean in this matter. I have never believed the Democrat propaganda about cigarettes causing lung cancer. That is just a vicious attack on hard working tobacco companies that provide good jobs to a lot of middle Americans. Now, my advisors have convinced me that people who smoke a lot of cigarettes for a long time usually have stress issues, relationship issues, and personality issues. All these issues make them less likely to go to church regularly. So the lung cancer is God’s way of punishing them for their behavior.”
SAP: “This concludes the press conference. You can pick up a hard copy of the President’s announcement in the hall as you exit.”
Jean Biergarten’s e-mail address is jbiergarten@washingtonpest.com
Tuesday, February 5, 2008
Irrelevant Conservatives Can't Stop McCain
So Lush Dumbaugh is waging a campaign against Senator John McCain? Who is going to buy into this? Dumbaugh's opposition should be worth a few additional points for McCain when the votes are tallied tonight. Personally, I would be extremely skeptical of any candidate endorsed by a Big Fat Idiot.
John McCain is a proven patriot, with decades of public service and a strong appeal to voters across our political spectrum. On the other hand, who exactly is Lush Dumbaugh? A member of the Axis of Intolerance, along with Mean Mannity and Ass Falter. That Evil Troika will be the Axis of Irrelevance after Super Tuesday. After all, if you came across a coyote howling at the moon, wouldn't you be tempted to shoot the coyote and enjoy the moonlight?
Didn't Lush Dumbaugh support Fatrick Pukeannan against Bush the Elder? Who won that round? Fatrick Pukeannan? The rectum rectorum of American politics?
What exactly do these "conservatives" conserve? Here is my list.
They don't care about hard working, law abiding, tax paying, God fearing Americans losing their jobs, homes and health insurance because their economic and legal systems allow, may be encourage, fat cat robber barons add to their ill gotten gains by sending jobs overseas. They will say the government has no business interfering in the working of the free market. What they mean is that the government has no business impacting the fortunes of their contributors. Why not consider measures to discourage the loss of jobs - say, disallowing tax deductions for expenses associated with outsourced jobs? May be go a little further and actively levy a penalty on said expenses (e.g., salaries and other expenses incurred overseas) and/or double the tax rate on income derived from offshore operations? No, they cannot stomach such thoughts, for these "con men" are a lesser breed without compassion, or even a conscience. All they conserve is their subhuman stunted emotional maturity and their affinity to chimpanzees.
They don't care about the unemployed, the underemployed and formerly employed (see Outsourcing above) losing their health insurance, often in the face of health problems, and facing painful choices about caring for seriously ill family members. All other developed nations have a better health insurance policy in place; but our conservatives don't want any measures that would tend to inconvenience Big Pharma, Big Bad Insurance. All the chumpanzee conservatives are conserving are the pocketbooks of their cronies among the Thief Executive Officers who benefit from working people's misery.
They don't care about desperate men and women who flee war, pestilence, inhuman living conditions and undertake a life-threatening trek across dangerous terrain just to work at transient jobs in America for a minimum wage. Not that they are capable of really sealing our borders; they just want to go through the motions and, in the process, siphon humongous amounts of funds to their crony companies for building ineffective and inoperable systems at outrage prices. Why not allow our neighbors to come over and work here, filling jobs our people don't seem to want to do? Make it easy for them to work here legally and get them to pay income and social security taxes, thus helping our economy. If they don't want that, are they willing to put the squeeze on employers, who knowingly or uncaringly, employ illegal immigrants? No, that would be government interference in the free market.
While we are at it, why not make it easier for our retirees to live in Mexico and Central America, and visit their families and friends in CONUS as easily as the retirees now living in Florida and Arizona? Perhaps the lower cost of living in those countries would help to slow down the increase in Social Security payments and ease the crunch on its funds. Nah- that would be too humane. These guys have never cared an iota about anyone but themselves. All the chumpanzees can conserve is laissez faire idiocy.
The Axis of Intolerance can't stop Senator McCain's Straight Talk Express. It is going to ride right over them. If they don't like the effect, they can always move to Iran, Iraq or North Korea.
John McCain is a proven patriot, with decades of public service and a strong appeal to voters across our political spectrum. On the other hand, who exactly is Lush Dumbaugh? A member of the Axis of Intolerance, along with Mean Mannity and Ass Falter. That Evil Troika will be the Axis of Irrelevance after Super Tuesday. After all, if you came across a coyote howling at the moon, wouldn't you be tempted to shoot the coyote and enjoy the moonlight?
Didn't Lush Dumbaugh support Fatrick Pukeannan against Bush the Elder? Who won that round? Fatrick Pukeannan? The rectum rectorum of American politics?
What exactly do these "conservatives" conserve? Here is my list.
They don't care about hard working, law abiding, tax paying, God fearing Americans losing their jobs, homes and health insurance because their economic and legal systems allow, may be encourage, fat cat robber barons add to their ill gotten gains by sending jobs overseas. They will say the government has no business interfering in the working of the free market. What they mean is that the government has no business impacting the fortunes of their contributors. Why not consider measures to discourage the loss of jobs - say, disallowing tax deductions for expenses associated with outsourced jobs? May be go a little further and actively levy a penalty on said expenses (e.g., salaries and other expenses incurred overseas) and/or double the tax rate on income derived from offshore operations? No, they cannot stomach such thoughts, for these "con men" are a lesser breed without compassion, or even a conscience. All they conserve is their subhuman stunted emotional maturity and their affinity to chimpanzees.
They don't care about the unemployed, the underemployed and formerly employed (see Outsourcing above) losing their health insurance, often in the face of health problems, and facing painful choices about caring for seriously ill family members. All other developed nations have a better health insurance policy in place; but our conservatives don't want any measures that would tend to inconvenience Big Pharma, Big Bad Insurance. All the chumpanzee conservatives are conserving are the pocketbooks of their cronies among the Thief Executive Officers who benefit from working people's misery.
They don't care about desperate men and women who flee war, pestilence, inhuman living conditions and undertake a life-threatening trek across dangerous terrain just to work at transient jobs in America for a minimum wage. Not that they are capable of really sealing our borders; they just want to go through the motions and, in the process, siphon humongous amounts of funds to their crony companies for building ineffective and inoperable systems at outrage prices. Why not allow our neighbors to come over and work here, filling jobs our people don't seem to want to do? Make it easy for them to work here legally and get them to pay income and social security taxes, thus helping our economy. If they don't want that, are they willing to put the squeeze on employers, who knowingly or uncaringly, employ illegal immigrants? No, that would be government interference in the free market.
While we are at it, why not make it easier for our retirees to live in Mexico and Central America, and visit their families and friends in CONUS as easily as the retirees now living in Florida and Arizona? Perhaps the lower cost of living in those countries would help to slow down the increase in Social Security payments and ease the crunch on its funds. Nah- that would be too humane. These guys have never cared an iota about anyone but themselves. All the chumpanzees can conserve is laissez faire idiocy.
The Axis of Intolerance can't stop Senator McCain's Straight Talk Express. It is going to ride right over them. If they don't like the effect, they can always move to Iran, Iraq or North Korea.
Friday, February 1, 2008
Many Wives, Many Mistresses -- Book Review
Reproduced by permission of the Washington Pest
Reviewed By Jonathan Inchley
Many Wives, Many Mistresses
The Story of Postlife Therapy
By Brain Schwarz, D.Sc.
Visigoth. 219 pp. $10.45
Dr. Brain Schwarz was astonished and skeptical when one of his patients began recounting post-life traumas that she planned to inflict on her philandering and bigamous husband. He quickly became a believer, when, immediately after her funeral, said husband started suffering a series of inexplicable accidents and injuries that ultimately put him in a wheelchair for life.
Dr. Schwarz tried all traditional psychiatric methods to treat Kathleen, who came to him on the brink of a nervous breakdown. She related incident after incident of husband animalry. Her husband of seven years was a serial, and serious, adulterer. Not a month went by that he did not seduce a new woman, only to abandon her on the first of the following month. Being the elder in an obscure religious community in a backwoods small town gave him ample opportunity to indulge his appetites. Kathleen and her co-wife, Caitlin, had threatened, pleaded, cajoled and tried every other means of persuasion known to them, but all to no avail. Brigham just continued his ways unperturbed.
Giving up on the traditional, Schwarz tried a few experimental therapies, including those popularized by the New Age guru, Sheepak Dogra. In particular, he thought they were making progress with Acurapuncture and Primal Icecream Therapy; but, after an initial spurt, Kathleen regressed badly and ended up worse than before. Ultimately, Schwarz watched helplessly as his patient sank into a deep depression, then drove her minivan into a deep depression in West Virginia. By the time he went to Kathleen's funeral, he was more than a little depressed himself - after all, well heeled patients who pay their bills promptly don't exactly grow on trees.
What happened after the funeral proved eye opening.
Schwarz saw Brigham at the funeral, playing to the hilt the role of the mourning husband. The hypocrisy was more than the doctor could bear; he walked out without offering condolences to the "grieving" husband, in apparent violation of his Hippocratic oath. Brigham left soon afterwards, accelerating as he moved out of sight of the cemetery. Schwarz had pulled over to fill gas in his Jag and had a clear view of Brigham roaring past in his SUV, chatting on this cell phone. What happened next was totally unexpected. Brigham dropped the cell phone, took his eyes off the road to look for it, and ran right into an 18 wheeler. By the time Schwarz got to the scene of the accident, the paramedics were rolling Brigham into the ambulance. Schwarz followed them to the emergency room and learned that Brigham was paralyzed from the neck down. As he walked out of the hospital, Schwarz thought he heard Kathleen's laughter in the background. He looked around but did not see her.
So Schwarz was ready when Maureen came to him, contemplating suicide because of a truck driver husband who had a "wife" at each truck stop. He did not waste any time on unpromising therapies. Instead, he put Maureen under hypnosis, helped her to plan her suicide and encouraged her talk about how her ghost would wreak vengeance on her husband. Needless to say, Maureen died as planned (after paying Schwarz's fee in full); her husband Joseph, on the other hand, celebrated heartily with a new sweetheart, rode his motorcycle under the influence, crashed into a tree and suffered irreparable brain damage.
Using post-life therapy, Schwarz has been able to treat several other patients and embark on a new, and enriching, phase of his own career.
Jonathan Inchley's e-mail address is inchleyj@washingtonpest.com.
Reviewed By Jonathan Inchley
Many Wives, Many Mistresses
The Story of Postlife Therapy
By Brain Schwarz, D.Sc.
Visigoth. 219 pp. $10.45
Dr. Brain Schwarz was astonished and skeptical when one of his patients began recounting post-life traumas that she planned to inflict on her philandering and bigamous husband. He quickly became a believer, when, immediately after her funeral, said husband started suffering a series of inexplicable accidents and injuries that ultimately put him in a wheelchair for life.
Dr. Schwarz tried all traditional psychiatric methods to treat Kathleen, who came to him on the brink of a nervous breakdown. She related incident after incident of husband animalry. Her husband of seven years was a serial, and serious, adulterer. Not a month went by that he did not seduce a new woman, only to abandon her on the first of the following month. Being the elder in an obscure religious community in a backwoods small town gave him ample opportunity to indulge his appetites. Kathleen and her co-wife, Caitlin, had threatened, pleaded, cajoled and tried every other means of persuasion known to them, but all to no avail. Brigham just continued his ways unperturbed.
Giving up on the traditional, Schwarz tried a few experimental therapies, including those popularized by the New Age guru, Sheepak Dogra. In particular, he thought they were making progress with Acurapuncture and Primal Icecream Therapy; but, after an initial spurt, Kathleen regressed badly and ended up worse than before. Ultimately, Schwarz watched helplessly as his patient sank into a deep depression, then drove her minivan into a deep depression in West Virginia. By the time he went to Kathleen's funeral, he was more than a little depressed himself - after all, well heeled patients who pay their bills promptly don't exactly grow on trees.
What happened after the funeral proved eye opening.
Schwarz saw Brigham at the funeral, playing to the hilt the role of the mourning husband. The hypocrisy was more than the doctor could bear; he walked out without offering condolences to the "grieving" husband, in apparent violation of his Hippocratic oath. Brigham left soon afterwards, accelerating as he moved out of sight of the cemetery. Schwarz had pulled over to fill gas in his Jag and had a clear view of Brigham roaring past in his SUV, chatting on this cell phone. What happened next was totally unexpected. Brigham dropped the cell phone, took his eyes off the road to look for it, and ran right into an 18 wheeler. By the time Schwarz got to the scene of the accident, the paramedics were rolling Brigham into the ambulance. Schwarz followed them to the emergency room and learned that Brigham was paralyzed from the neck down. As he walked out of the hospital, Schwarz thought he heard Kathleen's laughter in the background. He looked around but did not see her.
So Schwarz was ready when Maureen came to him, contemplating suicide because of a truck driver husband who had a "wife" at each truck stop. He did not waste any time on unpromising therapies. Instead, he put Maureen under hypnosis, helped her to plan her suicide and encouraged her talk about how her ghost would wreak vengeance on her husband. Needless to say, Maureen died as planned (after paying Schwarz's fee in full); her husband Joseph, on the other hand, celebrated heartily with a new sweetheart, rode his motorcycle under the influence, crashed into a tree and suffered irreparable brain damage.
Using post-life therapy, Schwarz has been able to treat several other patients and embark on a new, and enriching, phase of his own career.
Jonathan Inchley's e-mail address is inchleyj@washingtonpest.com.
Bumbling Babblings of a Bubblehead
There's something about the word "disembowel." Or "depravity," or "disfigurement" -- about so many words that begin with the letter "d." Divorce, destitution, doubt, drugs, dirt, dwindle. So many of them are on our lips just now -- though not "disembowel," and we should be thankful for that much. Once more, as a nation, we have entered Sector D. -- "Entering Sector D" by Henry Allen, Washington Post, January 31, 2008.
Begone, Blasted Buffoon! Behold the bumbling babblings of a bubblehead. Why branch out all the way to Sector D, bypassing the beautiful example of Sector B?
By the way, to B or not to B, that is the question. Browse the benighted B, for a moment. So near the top of the heap, but not of it. Bridesmaid but not the bride. Bitten, and never again bold.
It is far, far worse to be a runner up than to finish in the middle of the pack. Didn't you see Ana Ivanovic crying, with the runner-up's trophy, at the Australian Open?
By golly, the blood boils over the bewildering bad luck of the letter B. Babies are taught about Bad and Good, not about Dis and Dat – at least outside of Noo Joisy. Kids ride a Bike, play Ball, continually grow too Big for their Britches, learn about the Birds and the Bees; some go to B-School, a few make Big Bucks; others move on to Breaking & Entering, Burglary, Bodily harm; a few enter politics where they do Battle with Baseless allegations, Bickering, Bile, Blame trading and Backbiting so they can get elected and have the chance to indulge in Bribery, Budget manipulation, Back door legislation favoring Big Business – all in an effort to become Billionaires.
What was the Big Battle of this young century? Surely, none other than the Big Dad of Bagdad getting Bludgeoned by Bushie’s Bumbling jihadists.
In the English- (vs. American-) speaking world, Bother someone enough, and they tell the Bloody Bastards to Bugger off.
Budgets are the bugaboo of the average American family; that’s why they carry thousands of dollars in credit card debt. Congress is no better – billions and billions added bipartisanly to the national debt every biennium. Some of these guys and gals might be not just bipartisan, but even bisexual, bicultural or – dare I say it – bilingual! The mind boggles…
Begone, Blasted Buffoon! Behold the bumbling babblings of a bubblehead. Why branch out all the way to Sector D, bypassing the beautiful example of Sector B?
By the way, to B or not to B, that is the question. Browse the benighted B, for a moment. So near the top of the heap, but not of it. Bridesmaid but not the bride. Bitten, and never again bold.
It is far, far worse to be a runner up than to finish in the middle of the pack. Didn't you see Ana Ivanovic crying, with the runner-up's trophy, at the Australian Open?
By golly, the blood boils over the bewildering bad luck of the letter B. Babies are taught about Bad and Good, not about Dis and Dat – at least outside of Noo Joisy. Kids ride a Bike, play Ball, continually grow too Big for their Britches, learn about the Birds and the Bees; some go to B-School, a few make Big Bucks; others move on to Breaking & Entering, Burglary, Bodily harm; a few enter politics where they do Battle with Baseless allegations, Bickering, Bile, Blame trading and Backbiting so they can get elected and have the chance to indulge in Bribery, Budget manipulation, Back door legislation favoring Big Business – all in an effort to become Billionaires.
What was the Big Battle of this young century? Surely, none other than the Big Dad of Bagdad getting Bludgeoned by Bushie’s Bumbling jihadists.
In the English- (vs. American-) speaking world, Bother someone enough, and they tell the Bloody Bastards to Bugger off.
Budgets are the bugaboo of the average American family; that’s why they carry thousands of dollars in credit card debt. Congress is no better – billions and billions added bipartisanly to the national debt every biennium. Some of these guys and gals might be not just bipartisan, but even bisexual, bicultural or – dare I say it – bilingual! The mind boggles…
Memo to Congress - Enact AMT2 Now!
The good news is that the Government wants to take action to head off a Rece**ion (sorry, that's an expletive, even if not a four letter word; it can't be mentioned in a Respectable Blog).
The bad news is that they don't seem to have a clue about what to do. Not surprising -- the people in charge are all RB's (Rich Bast**ds, another expletive). They wouldn't know a cash flow crunch if it bit them in the assets. After all, the fundamental business of politicking is to raise, and to keep, funds - by playing mental games with the donors and the voters.
So they are talking about a tax rebate. Some sources say an average of $300 per tax payer, other say $800. No matter. It is still a drop in the bucket. Better that these clowns stop diddling with half way measures like that and kick the bucket.
I mean, how much is an $800 rebate going to stimulate the economy? For starters, many people would just use their rebate to pay down debts (does that make it a non-starter?); other, less red blooded, tax payers might actually (gasp!) save the rebate. Fat lot of good would that do for the economy. Will no one rid me of these thrifty tax payers? Is there no man on the Ways and Means?
Look, Robin Hood tried it, centuries ago. History shows us that it didn't do the job then; why should we expect it to do the job now? Robin Hood took from the rich and gave to the poor. The trouble is, it makes no sense to take from the rich -- there are only a few of them -- and give to the poor -- of whom there are too many. You will never give enough to any poor person to make a real difference to them, let alone to stimulate a major, world class economy like ours.
What we need is a Reverse Robin approach. No, not Round Robin - that just amounts to passing the buck. The Reverse Robin takes from the poor and gives to the rich. Now, if you take from the poor, even if it is only a little from each one -- after all, they don’t have much -- and distribute it among a handful of rich people, you can give enough to each to make them happy; and to get them to channel some of the money back into the economy to help it, and to give some it to your party as campaign contributions. The Robbing Hoods of the G. O. P. (Greedy Obnoxious Parasites) understand this all too well, but President Tush is not cooperating.
So, here is an urgent request to Congress, especially the members of the Richbuttlican party. Enact an Alternative Maximum Tax now. For clarity, it should be called AMT2. The original AMT was the Alternative Minimum Tax - just what you would expect from the commie pinko liberal libertines of the Democrack party. We need to minimize taxes, not to put a minimum on taxes! With the AM2, on the other (right) hand, we can cap the taxes at a reasonable amount. For discussion, I propose that the maximum tax be no more than 2 x the minimum tax.
And, to show we do learn from past mistakes, Congress should automagically index the AMT2 to the cost of loving -- I mean, the cost of living.
Now, if only they can do this quickly, before a Democrack enters the White House....
The bad news is that they don't seem to have a clue about what to do. Not surprising -- the people in charge are all RB's (Rich Bast**ds, another expletive). They wouldn't know a cash flow crunch if it bit them in the assets. After all, the fundamental business of politicking is to raise, and to keep, funds - by playing mental games with the donors and the voters.
So they are talking about a tax rebate. Some sources say an average of $300 per tax payer, other say $800. No matter. It is still a drop in the bucket. Better that these clowns stop diddling with half way measures like that and kick the bucket.
I mean, how much is an $800 rebate going to stimulate the economy? For starters, many people would just use their rebate to pay down debts (does that make it a non-starter?); other, less red blooded, tax payers might actually (gasp!) save the rebate. Fat lot of good would that do for the economy. Will no one rid me of these thrifty tax payers? Is there no man on the Ways and Means?
Look, Robin Hood tried it, centuries ago. History shows us that it didn't do the job then; why should we expect it to do the job now? Robin Hood took from the rich and gave to the poor. The trouble is, it makes no sense to take from the rich -- there are only a few of them -- and give to the poor -- of whom there are too many. You will never give enough to any poor person to make a real difference to them, let alone to stimulate a major, world class economy like ours.
What we need is a Reverse Robin approach. No, not Round Robin - that just amounts to passing the buck. The Reverse Robin takes from the poor and gives to the rich. Now, if you take from the poor, even if it is only a little from each one -- after all, they don’t have much -- and distribute it among a handful of rich people, you can give enough to each to make them happy; and to get them to channel some of the money back into the economy to help it, and to give some it to your party as campaign contributions. The Robbing Hoods of the G. O. P. (Greedy Obnoxious Parasites) understand this all too well, but President Tush is not cooperating.
So, here is an urgent request to Congress, especially the members of the Richbuttlican party. Enact an Alternative Maximum Tax now. For clarity, it should be called AMT2. The original AMT was the Alternative Minimum Tax - just what you would expect from the commie pinko liberal libertines of the Democrack party. We need to minimize taxes, not to put a minimum on taxes! With the AM2, on the other (right) hand, we can cap the taxes at a reasonable amount. For discussion, I propose that the maximum tax be no more than 2 x the minimum tax.
And, to show we do learn from past mistakes, Congress should automagically index the AMT2 to the cost of loving -- I mean, the cost of living.
Now, if only they can do this quickly, before a Democrack enters the White House....
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