The Times That Try My Soul

The Times That Try My Soul

Thomas Paine said, “These are the times that try men’s’ souls.” Senator John McCain could be forgiven for saying “These are the Times that try my soul”, following the publication of allegations regarding him and a female lobbyist.

But we don’t have any evidence that he uttered such a sentiment. Perhaps he is too civilized, and worldly-wise, to complain thus about the New Dork Times. So your correspondent raised the matter with the conservative icon, Lush Dimbaugh.

Edwin Oldman: Mr. Dimbaugh, how nice to see you again!

Lush Dimbaugh: Edwin, you old liberal nitwit, it is good to be here.

EO: What do you think of the NDT story on John McCain and the lobbyist?

LD: The attractive female lobbyist, you mean? Well, I’m not surprised.

EO: You mean, you knew something was going on?

LD: No, nothing went on. McCain is too old for that kind of shenanigan; that’s why he’s running for president.

EO: Then what do you mean, you’re not surprised?

LD: I have always told John, but he never listened to me. He’s always ignored conservatives.

EO: What have you always told him?

LD: Just that you can’t party with the liberals, even if it is a bi-partisan party. You can’t look across the isle, you can’t reach across the isle and you certainly can’t walk across the isle.

EO: You mean, you told Sen. McCain not to work with the Democrats under any circumstances? What about McCain-Feingold?

LD: I told you, he never listened to me; that’s why he’s in trouble now.

EO: Why do you think he ignores your comments?

LD: During his captivity in North Vietnam, he got used to listening to commie pinko leftists. So now he can’t even hear anyone who is right.

EO: You’re saying the Democrats are no different from the North Vietnamese?
LD: Look, John McCain needs to understand who his friends are, and who his constituency is. It’s not the liberals. They might legislate with him once in a while but, when it comes to a presidential election, they’re going to attack him mercilessly.

EO: I thought that’s what you are doing.

LD: Nah, I just criticize him. The New Dork Times is the one implying he had sex in the lobby.

EO: What? I don’t recall reading that…

LD: What do you think they implied? I mean, these lobbyists do everything in the lobby; that’s why we call them lobbyists.

EO: Really?

LD: What are you, stupid, or liberal, or both? Lobbyists meet lawmakers in the lobby; they talk to them in the lobby; they give them position papers in the lobby; they give them campaign contributions in the lobby; they wine them, though not dine them, in the lobby; they even have sex with them in the lobby.

EO: But what about all the other people in the lobby?

LD: What about them? They just wait their turn, that’s all. Remember, we are talking about high-net worth people here.

EO: You’re saying McCain and Isen…

LD: I’m not saying anything; it’s the Times that’s saying things that try his soul.

EO: But why is the Times doing this?

LD: It is a desperate attempt to boost circulation, shore up their stock price and avoid a takeover by Rupert Murdoch. Well, Edwin, you liberal twit, it was nice talking to you. I have to get going now. I don’t want to be late for the Axis of Intolerance meeting this afternoon.

Irrelevant Conservatives Can't Stop McCain

So Lush Dumbaugh is waging a campaign against Senator John McCain? Who is going to buy into this? Dumbaugh's opposition should be worth a few additional points for McCain when the votes are tallied tonight. Personally, I would be extremely skeptical of any candidate endorsed by a Big Fat Idiot.

John McCain is a proven patriot, with decades of public service and a strong appeal to voters across our political spectrum. On the other hand, who exactly is Lush Dumbaugh? A member of the Axis of Intolerance, along with Mean Mannity and Ass Falter. That Evil Troika will be the Axis of Irrelevance after Super Tuesday. After all, if you came across a coyote howling at the moon, wouldn't you be tempted to shoot the coyote and enjoy the moonlight?

Didn't Lush Dumbaugh support Fatrick Pukeannan against Bush the Elder? Who won that round? Fatrick Pukeannan? The rectum rectorum of American politics?

What exactly do these "conservatives" conserve? Here is my list.

They don't care about hard working, law abiding, tax paying, God fearing Americans losing their jobs, homes and health insurance because their economic and legal systems allow, may be encourage, fat cat robber barons add to their ill gotten gains by sending jobs overseas. They will say the government has no business interfering in the working of the free market. What they mean is that the government has no business impacting the fortunes of their contributors. Why not consider measures to discourage the loss of jobs - say, disallowing tax deductions for expenses associated with outsourced jobs? May be go a little further and actively levy a penalty on said expenses (e.g., salaries and other expenses incurred overseas) and/or double the tax rate on income derived from offshore operations? No, they cannot stomach such thoughts, for these "con men" are a lesser breed without compassion, or even a conscience. All they conserve is their subhuman stunted emotional maturity and their affinity to chimpanzees.

They don't care about the unemployed, the underemployed and formerly employed (see Outsourcing above) losing their health insurance, often in the face of health problems, and facing painful choices about caring for seriously ill family members. All other developed nations have a better health insurance policy in place; but our conservatives don't want any measures that would tend to inconvenience Big Pharma, Big Bad Insurance. All the chumpanzee conservatives are conserving are the pocketbooks of their cronies among the Thief Executive Officers who benefit from working people's misery.

They don't care about desperate men and women who flee war, pestilence, inhuman living conditions and undertake a life-threatening trek across dangerous terrain just to work at transient jobs in America for a minimum wage. Not that they are capable of really sealing our borders; they just want to go through the motions and, in the process, siphon humongous amounts of funds to their crony companies for building ineffective and inoperable systems at outrage prices. Why not allow our neighbors to come over and work here, filling jobs our people don't seem to want to do? Make it easy for them to work here legally and get them to pay income and social security taxes, thus helping our economy. If they don't want that, are they willing to put the squeeze on employers, who knowingly or uncaringly, employ illegal immigrants? No, that would be government interference in the free market.

While we are at it, why not make it easier for our retirees to live in Mexico and Central America, and visit their families and friends in CONUS as easily as the retirees now living in Florida and Arizona? Perhaps the lower cost of living in those countries would help to slow down the increase in Social Security payments and ease the crunch on its funds. Nah- that would be too humane. These guys have never cared an iota about anyone but themselves. All the chumpanzees can conserve is laissez faire idiocy.

The Axis of Intolerance can't stop Senator McCain's Straight Talk Express. It is going to ride right over them. If they don't like the effect, they can always move to Iran, Iraq or North Korea.