Wealth Care Reform

Wealth Care Reform

Jean Biergarten

The Washington Pest

Thursday, October 29, 2009

The Democrats revealed a health-care reform bill Thursday that includes a government insurance option, as well as a historic expansion of Medicaid. Speaker Nancy Pelosi stated, "Today we are about to deliver on the promise of making affordable, quality health care available for all Americans." She added that the bill "opens the doors to quality medical care for those who were shut out of the system for far too long." Republicans complained that the bill was a government attempt to take over health care.

In an attempt to get an objective, or at least an objecting, point of view, your reported contacted Sen. Jim VarMint of Mouth Carolina.

JB: Senator VarMint, have you read the latest Health Care Reform bill from the democrats?

JVM: No.

JB: Oh. I was hoping to get your reaction to it...

JVM: Why didn't you say so? I don't need to read a democrat bill before reacting to it. I react to all things democratic. I am a solid southern reactionary.

JB: But – if you don't read the bill, how can you debate it in the Senate?

JVM: You sound like a democrat.

JB: I mean, don't you want to persuade your fellow senators to join you in opposition to the bill?

JVM: I have found that no one listens. My role in the Senate is to come up with the right ideas and t ake them directly to the American people.

JB: What is the basis of your opposition to the bill?

JVM: I will go after the democrats and shame the republicans.

JB: You are quite effective.

JVM: Thank you. I think so.

JB: I mean, the republicans are ashamed – of you.

JVM: You sound worse – you sound like a liberal.

JB: But what will you tell the other republican senators about health care reform?

JVM: Any republican who votes for that bill doesn't belong here. People who vote for it have no clue.

JB: What about Speaker Pelosi's statement that this bill provides medical care to people who were formerly shut out of the system?

JVM: She must be talking about 'cans.

JB: Cans? No, she was talking about American people.

JVM: Watch it, buddy! Pelosi was only talking about Africans, Mexican, Puerto Ricans...may be White Trashicans...

JB: ?????

JVM: These people don't contribute to my campaign, they don't belong to my party, what do I care about them?

JB: So you want health care only for your own supporters and contributors? And to hell with the rest of the American people?

JVM: If we can stop this bill, it will break Obama.

JB: That's your motivation? To break the President, no matter what it does to the poor people in your own state?

JVM: You sound like a 'Can.

JB: How far are you willing to go, to “break” Obama? Will you lie to the American people?

JVM: I am a “con” – a conservative. Some of us are Neocons, some are Paleocons, some are even Pithecanthropus Erectocons. But we're all con men.

JB: No doubt about it!

JVM: Watch it, Biergarten! Like any red blooded, red state Richbuttlican politician, I will do what I c an to protect my supporters from Health Care Reform that becomes an adverse Wealth Care Reform for their incomes. If you don't understand that, may be you should get reassigned to the Sports Section.

Jean Biergarten can be reached at biergarten@pestwash.com

A Cool Scientist

A Cool Scientist

Jean Biergarten

Washington Pest

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

At a recent hearing of the Senate Environment Committee on Global Warming, Sen. Imhofe was informed that a prominent climate scientist warns 'We should fear a deep temperature drop -- not catastrophic global warming.'

The senator did not name the scientist in question but your enterprising reporter managed to unearth and question Dr. Borat Borscht. Excerpts from the interview follow. The full text can be found at www.pestwash.com/acoolscientist.htm

JB: Dr. Borscht, what are your credentials?

BB: I am the Head of Department of Primatology and Climatology at University of South Boragrad, Republic of Upsetistan.

JB: Primates and climates, in one department? Isn't that unusual?

BB: Unusual but smart, eh? People say climate influenced primate evolution and now, some people think primates influence our climate.

JB: You mean, you don't think we humans influence the earth's climate?

BB: Only some of us. Pamela Anderson causes heat wave when she walks into room; but not you.

JB: Neither do you.

BB: Hmmmm..To let you speak is like to let a monkey download software – no use!

JB: Hmmmm...Getting back on track, don't you think human activities are responsible for global warming?

BB: In Upsetistan, we believe “Think globally, but warm locally.”

JB: ??????

BB: Don't understand? You Americans don't learn science or math...I will make it clear to meanest intelligence – yours.

JB: Say what?

BB: I am saying, human activities burn carbon, particles go up in atmosphere, reflect sun- light and sun-heat back into space. Earth NOT produce heat, only get heat from sun. So, humans burning carbon only COOL the earth, not heat it. Worry about big temperature drop, not global warming.

JB: What about all the scientists that tell us we need to stop burning carbon if we have any h ope of reversing global warming?

BB: Their IQ's hang like sleeve of wizard's robe.

JB: That's it? That's your scientific response to global warming?

BB: Hey, watchit! If globe warms, I will be execute.

JB: Who's going to execute you for admitting global warming is real?

BB: Dimhofe supporter big carbon burning American company with big carbon burning factory in Upsetistan. You threaten Richbuttlican profits, they execute you.

JB: Richbutllican – you mean the Republican supporters will have you executed if you t threaten their profits? Are you serious?

BB: Think Icky Dick Haliburton.....I go now, bang bang!

JB: Thank you for explaining the intellectual foundations of the skepticism about global warming.

Jean Biergarten can be reached at biergarten@pestwash.com

Motorvational Speaker

Motorvational Speaker

Jean Biergarten

The Washington Pest

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

From newspaper dispatches .....

FORT WORTH -- After nine months of being nearly invisible -- a big outing has been to a Dallas hardware store for flashlights -- George W. Bush made his debut Monday in his latest incarnation: motivational speaker.

Nearly 15,000 people heard the former president, known more for mangling the English language than for his eloquence, reminisce about his White House days.
.....

Many people interviewed afterward said they liked Bush, perhaps even because he wasn't the best speaker of the day. He could have said a thesaurus was a big scaly creature that roamed the planet millions of years ago and they would have applauded.

......

In Britain, where Bush remains wildly unpopular, the media have been reporting his return to public speaking with incredulity. Some commentators recalled his famous flubs: "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" and "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."

“W” as a motivational speaker? Boggled the mind. So I contacted the well known speaker, Neutered Grinch, to understand what had just happened in Texas.

JB: Neut, can you believe this?

NG: Believe what? You mean, people paying money to listen to a speech by George W. ?

JB: Exactly. I mean, people do pay to hear stand-up comedians. Still,….

NG: You said it. We all like a good laugh, especially with the economy the way it is.

JB: Sure. But this was not marketed as a comedy; this was a motivational seminar!

NG: So you think it takes a good speaker to motivate people?

JB: Not necessarily. For example, I know that you motivated a lot of people. Trouble was, they were motivated to vote for the other party.

NG: Hey! Stop that! You’re sounding like a liberal.

JB: Sorry. You were saying…

NG: Have you ever heard the late William Buckley speak?

JB: Sure. In fact , I have heard him debate the late John Kenneth Galbraith.

NG: Buckley had a rare mastery of the English language, would you agree?

JB: Yes, of course. Although I’m surprised to hear you say that, what with his Yankee accent and all…

NG: Don’t matter; Buckley was a conservative, so I forgive him his accent and his tendency to use two dollar words when a nickel word would have done the job. Anyhoo, what did you think of Buckley’s speeches?

JB: Well…..actually….

NG: You found Buckley intimidating, didn’t you? Admit it.

JB: Come to think of it, I did. How did you…

NG: A really good speaker intimidates most people, because they know they can never measure up to him. So they lose motivation. But, you take a speaker like “W” -

JB: No, you take him.

NG: What? Ha, ha. As I was saying, a speaker like Bush makes most of us feel, “I can speak a lot better than this guy. So, if he could become president, surely I can make it!” In other words, they are motivated!

JB: Hmmm..interesting point of view.

NG: What, you're not convinced? Remember, this is the man who said -

"All of us in America want there to be fairness when it comes to justice."

"I heard somebody say, 'Where's (Nelson) Mandela?' Well, Mandela's dead. Because Saddam killed all the Mandelas."

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."

"I can only speak to myself."

"It's in our country's interests to find those who would do harm to us and get them out of harm's way."

JB: So the best motivational speakers are the inarticulate and the semi-literate?

NG: Hey, Nattering Nabob of Negativity! Watch it with them two dollar words!

Jean Biergarten can be reached at biergarten@pestwash.com

At Ease in the National Parks

Gun Rules May Be Eased in U.S. Parks

Jean Biergarten
Washington Pest

Visitors to some national parks would be able to start packing heat along with their tents and picnic baskets under a proposal being considered by the Interior Department that would ease restrictions on loaded firearms in the parks.
[The] action comes in response to two recent letters from 51 senators -- 44 Republicans and seven Democrats -- requesting that the National Park Service align its gun rules with state laws. If a state permits citizens to carry concealed weapons, the national parks in that state should, too, they argued.

"These inconsistencies in firearms regulations for public lands are confusing, burdensome and unnecessary," wrote the lawmakers, led by Sens. Michael D. Crapo (R-Idaho) and Max Baucus (D-Mont.). ". . . Such regulatory changes would respect the Second Amendment rights of law-abiding gun owners, while providing a consistent application of state weapons laws across all land ownership boundaries."

Hmmm… it sounded like there was more to the story, so I contacted a straight shooting authority, the has-been actor, Snarlton Peston. He told me that this was only the first step in a well-thought out process to fully implement the Second Armament.

SP: As you know, Jean, the Constitution gives us the right to bear arms.
JB: I thought it was the right to wear short sleeves (“bare arms”)….
SP: Idiot! Go back and read the Second Armament to the Constipation.
JB: ???
SP: You know I’m an advocate of states’ rights.
JB: I figured that.
SP: But that’s only a start. I am very logical, so I extend states’ rights to local rights.
JB: What do you mean?
SP: Shoot, man! A county or township or other jurisdiction could have its own rules and regulations. I want the NPS to be consistent with those. In other words, if the local government allows you to carry a gun, the federal government has no business restricting that right.
JB: But wouldn’t that be a nightmare to enforce?
SP: Exactly!
JB: ?????
SP: Told you I’m logical. So I want all federal agencies to be consistent with each other.
JB: What? Are you smoking something illegal?
SP: If I smoke it, it can’t be illegal. Anyway, what I was saying – what was I saying?
JB: You fantasize that all federal agencies become consistent…
SP: Hey! Don’t say fantasize! Nothing wrong with my size, and I think only wholesome, family values type of thoughts – like shooting.
JB: ????
SP: So, all federal agencies should consistently allow you to carry a gun if the local government does.
JB: Have you run this past the DHS?
SP: If they try to run past me, I’ll shoot them.
JB: I mean, do you really expect to carry a concealed gun into every federal building in Virginia, for example?
SP: Why not? The constipation gives me that right.
JB: I see.
SP: Because I’m logical, I don’t stop at the county level; I would allow every zip code, may be every homeowner’s association, every street or every block, to enact its own gun control regulations; and require every federal agency to abide by those regulations.
JB: Don’t you think this would undermine national security?
SP: How? If we’re armed, we would be able to shoot all democrats – I mean, terrorists. Well, that’s it, Jean – I have to go to the shooting range now. Would you care to come along and hold a target for me?
JB: Normally, yes, Mr. Peston, but today I have a root canal scheduled.

Jean Biergarten can be reached at biergarten@pestwash.com

Barack Hussein

McCain Supporter Ridicules Obama
By Michael D. Shear
Washington Post Staff Writer Wednesday, February 27, 2008; Page A06
CINCINNATI, Feb. 26 -- A supporter of Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.) ridiculed Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill.) in an introductory speech at a McCain rally here this morning, repeatedly using Obama's middle name, Hussein, and deriding him as a terrorist sympathizer.

I could not believe what I was reading. Sen. McCain is an honorable man, isn’t he? And, certainly, he is too swift to employ the Swift Boat Scheisskopfen.

But then – the alleged miscreant was identified as a conservative radio talk-show host. Ah, that explains it. A colleague of Lush Dimbaugh; nothing they say can be taken seriously, unless it is independently corroborated and notarized. After all, there are liars, damned liars and conservative radio talk-show hosts.

Still, just to get matters clarified, I got in touch with the speaker in question, and questioned him. Bill Cunnilingus came on the line after a few rings.

BC: Yeah?
EO: Bill, this is Edwin Oldman, from the Washington Pest. How are you today?
BC: What’s it to you?
EO: You sound upset; good.
BC: What?
EO: Never mind. Did you repeatedly refer to Senator Barack Obama as Barack Hussein Obama?
BC: Sure, I did. What of it?
EO: Why?
BC: Hell, there’s not much I can say to discredit him. He turns out to be a moderate and a pragmatist, not too different from McCain.
EO: So you wanted to discredit Sen. Obama by using his middle name? Were you implying that an Arabic name is synonymous with terrorism?
BC: Syn…hey, wait a minute; using them two dollar words is a sin all right. But you don’t understand, do you?
EO: Understand what?
BC: To be foreign is worse – make that much worse – than being a terrorist. Look at how much people talk about Osama and Al Qaeda; do you hear anyone talking about the Unabomber, or Timothy McVeigh?
EO: What do you mean?
BC: Look, you liberal nitwit, it don’t matter how bad a company is – like Enron or Exxon or Halliburton – nobody minds them doing business in the US of A. But if a company is foreign – like Dubai Ports World – nobody wants them here; and we don’t even care if they’re good, bad or indifferent.
EO: But Senator Obama is not foreign; he is 100% American.
BC: What do you mean? He’s a skinny black guy with a funny name who has lived in other countries.
EO: So what? Lush Dimbaugh is a fat white guy who should go live in some other country….
BC: Watch it, mister. You lobbies need to understand it is all tied up with 1925.
EO: 1925?
BC: The year of the Scopes trial.
EO: What of it?
BC: That was a very BIG year. You might call it a portal year.
EO: A portal --? You mean, a pivotal. Year?
BC: Whatever. But before 1925 and after 1925 makes a big difference.
EO: How do you mean?
BC: We need only science that was known in 1925, nothing that came in after that.
EO: How about technology?
BC: Oh, technology is all right.
EO: But you need science if you want technology.
BC: No, science evolves; but technology is a special creation. Just pray and you’ll get it. If you don’t know how to pray, ask Rev. Huggable; he’ll teach you.
EO: Anything else special about 1925?
BC: Illegal immigrants who came here before 1925 were all respectable and acceptable; immigrants who came after 1925, whether legal or illegal, are all despicable.
EO: Why so?
BC: Because it was a portal year.
EO: I don’t follow you.
BC: That means you are a liberal. Be careful. John Asscroft is watching you.

Medecins Sans Diplômes

Medecins Sans Diplômes

The Economist recently reported on “India's fake doctors.” The story started thus:

“BAREFOOT labourers, skinny housewives and half-naked, snuffling toddlers wait outside a corrugated-iron and plywood shack in a Delhi slum to see “the Bengali doctor”. Noor Muhammed, the nattily dressed 30-something inside, is indeed Bengali, but, as he cheerfully admits, not a doctor. Yet as he makes quick temperature and blood-pressure checks and hands out tablets—many of them antibiotics—his patients nod respectfully, and pay.”

I had to look at that paragraph a couple of times to make sure it didn’t say “skinny, snuffling toddlers and half-naked housewives.” Well, duh! It's a British paper, isn't it?

OK. Can it really be? Our Help Desks are staffed by people whose healthcare is provided by quacks? How healthy can these people be? How confident can we be that we’re getting the right answers when we talk to a call center?

I asked the well known authority and former lawmaker, Dr. Bill Grist, for his comments. Here’s what he offered, looking the camera straight in the lens:

Dr. Grist: It is not accurate to term these undocumented physicians as quacks. They are properly referred to as Doctors Without Degrees, similar to, but not affiliated with, Doctors Without Borders. The official name of the organization, in French (of course), is Medecins Sans Diplômes.

Me: But – don’t doctors have to be duly licenses?

Dr. Grist: Whatever for? For centuries – nay, for millennia, doctors have practiced without any kind of licensing, except for the actions of the free market. You know, don’t you, that most doctors are Republicans and therefore devotees of the free market?

Me: Oh? I thought it was bundled with membership in the AMA…

Dr. Grist: Anyway, the free market is much better at allocating resources – including medical resources – than government.

Me: You mean, doctors don’t want Medicare payments?

Dr. Grist: I mean, we don’t need the government telling us who can, and who can’t, practice medicine.

Me: But, isn’t it the government’s duty to safeguard the health and well-being of its citizens?

Dr. Grist: You’re sounding like a liberal. No, the government should stay out of our sickrooms, as much as out of our bedrooms – may be even more.

Me: Oh? Why’s that?

Dr. Grist: Think about it, if you can. We don’t want to deprive poor people of all medical care just because they can’t afford to go to a high-priced, degreed and licensed, physician. Don’t you have any compassion?

Me: Yes, but –

Dr. Grist: What if some untutored but natural genius can diagnose and cure patients at a fraction of the cost of the formal healthcare sector? And, keep in mind, the practice of medicine is self-regulating.

Me: You mean, peer reviews?

Dr. Grist: What I mean is this. A medical practitioner who kills most of his patients will be chased out of town by next of kin. Over time, that tends to weed out the incompetent.

Me: But, in the meantime, innocent people may die!

Dr. Grist: Look, I am pro life but that doesn’t extend to non-fetuses.

The Times That Try My Soul

The Times That Try My Soul

Thomas Paine said, “These are the times that try men’s’ souls.” Senator John McCain could be forgiven for saying “These are the Times that try my soul”, following the publication of allegations regarding him and a female lobbyist.

But we don’t have any evidence that he uttered such a sentiment. Perhaps he is too civilized, and worldly-wise, to complain thus about the New Dork Times. So your correspondent raised the matter with the conservative icon, Lush Dimbaugh.

Edwin Oldman: Mr. Dimbaugh, how nice to see you again!

Lush Dimbaugh: Edwin, you old liberal nitwit, it is good to be here.

EO: What do you think of the NDT story on John McCain and the lobbyist?

LD: The attractive female lobbyist, you mean? Well, I’m not surprised.

EO: You mean, you knew something was going on?

LD: No, nothing went on. McCain is too old for that kind of shenanigan; that’s why he’s running for president.

EO: Then what do you mean, you’re not surprised?

LD: I have always told John, but he never listened to me. He’s always ignored conservatives.

EO: What have you always told him?

LD: Just that you can’t party with the liberals, even if it is a bi-partisan party. You can’t look across the isle, you can’t reach across the isle and you certainly can’t walk across the isle.

EO: You mean, you told Sen. McCain not to work with the Democrats under any circumstances? What about McCain-Feingold?

LD: I told you, he never listened to me; that’s why he’s in trouble now.

EO: Why do you think he ignores your comments?

LD: During his captivity in North Vietnam, he got used to listening to commie pinko leftists. So now he can’t even hear anyone who is right.

EO: You’re saying the Democrats are no different from the North Vietnamese?
LD: Look, John McCain needs to understand who his friends are, and who his constituency is. It’s not the liberals. They might legislate with him once in a while but, when it comes to a presidential election, they’re going to attack him mercilessly.

EO: I thought that’s what you are doing.

LD: Nah, I just criticize him. The New Dork Times is the one implying he had sex in the lobby.

EO: What? I don’t recall reading that…

LD: What do you think they implied? I mean, these lobbyists do everything in the lobby; that’s why we call them lobbyists.

EO: Really?

LD: What are you, stupid, or liberal, or both? Lobbyists meet lawmakers in the lobby; they talk to them in the lobby; they give them position papers in the lobby; they give them campaign contributions in the lobby; they wine them, though not dine them, in the lobby; they even have sex with them in the lobby.

EO: But what about all the other people in the lobby?

LD: What about them? They just wait their turn, that’s all. Remember, we are talking about high-net worth people here.

EO: You’re saying McCain and Isen…

LD: I’m not saying anything; it’s the Times that’s saying things that try his soul.

EO: But why is the Times doing this?

LD: It is a desperate attempt to boost circulation, shore up their stock price and avoid a takeover by Rupert Murdoch. Well, Edwin, you liberal twit, it was nice talking to you. I have to get going now. I don’t want to be late for the Axis of Intolerance meeting this afternoon.