At Ease in the National Parks

Gun Rules May Be Eased in U.S. Parks

Jean Biergarten
Washington Pest

Visitors to some national parks would be able to start packing heat along with their tents and picnic baskets under a proposal being considered by the Interior Department that would ease restrictions on loaded firearms in the parks.
[The] action comes in response to two recent letters from 51 senators -- 44 Republicans and seven Democrats -- requesting that the National Park Service align its gun rules with state laws. If a state permits citizens to carry concealed weapons, the national parks in that state should, too, they argued.

"These inconsistencies in firearms regulations for public lands are confusing, burdensome and unnecessary," wrote the lawmakers, led by Sens. Michael D. Crapo (R-Idaho) and Max Baucus (D-Mont.). ". . . Such regulatory changes would respect the Second Amendment rights of law-abiding gun owners, while providing a consistent application of state weapons laws across all land ownership boundaries."

Hmmm… it sounded like there was more to the story, so I contacted a straight shooting authority, the has-been actor, Snarlton Peston. He told me that this was only the first step in a well-thought out process to fully implement the Second Armament.

SP: As you know, Jean, the Constitution gives us the right to bear arms.
JB: I thought it was the right to wear short sleeves (“bare arms”)….
SP: Idiot! Go back and read the Second Armament to the Constipation.
JB: ???
SP: You know I’m an advocate of states’ rights.
JB: I figured that.
SP: But that’s only a start. I am very logical, so I extend states’ rights to local rights.
JB: What do you mean?
SP: Shoot, man! A county or township or other jurisdiction could have its own rules and regulations. I want the NPS to be consistent with those. In other words, if the local government allows you to carry a gun, the federal government has no business restricting that right.
JB: But wouldn’t that be a nightmare to enforce?
SP: Exactly!
JB: ?????
SP: Told you I’m logical. So I want all federal agencies to be consistent with each other.
JB: What? Are you smoking something illegal?
SP: If I smoke it, it can’t be illegal. Anyway, what I was saying – what was I saying?
JB: You fantasize that all federal agencies become consistent…
SP: Hey! Don’t say fantasize! Nothing wrong with my size, and I think only wholesome, family values type of thoughts – like shooting.
JB: ????
SP: So, all federal agencies should consistently allow you to carry a gun if the local government does.
JB: Have you run this past the DHS?
SP: If they try to run past me, I’ll shoot them.
JB: I mean, do you really expect to carry a concealed gun into every federal building in Virginia, for example?
SP: Why not? The constipation gives me that right.
JB: I see.
SP: Because I’m logical, I don’t stop at the county level; I would allow every zip code, may be every homeowner’s association, every street or every block, to enact its own gun control regulations; and require every federal agency to abide by those regulations.
JB: Don’t you think this would undermine national security?
SP: How? If we’re armed, we would be able to shoot all democrats – I mean, terrorists. Well, that’s it, Jean – I have to go to the shooting range now. Would you care to come along and hold a target for me?
JB: Normally, yes, Mr. Peston, but today I have a root canal scheduled.

Jean Biergarten can be reached at biergarten@pestwash.com