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Retired Info Tech Project Manager. Born in the British Empire. Educated in Physics. Worked inn Information Technology. Interests - Writing, Theater, Bicycling, Rowing.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Management by Objection

Interview with An Author(ity)
SCENE 1

Anchorwoman Decibella Chatterjee enters the TV studio, accompanied by cameraman, struggling with a big camera. DC is a superficially attractive, but extremely self-conscious, twenty-something girl. She looks around, sits down, sees her image on the monitor, starts fussing with her appearance – tucking straying strands of hair in place, freshening her lipstick, touching up her make up and so on. DC looks at some papers, then turns to cameraman.

Decibella chatterjee
Camraj! Who’s this sucker you’ve booked for me to interview today?

Cameraman
Bella, look again! Don't you know who that is?

Decibella chatterjee
No – Tom Peters? Never heard of him. May be he has heard of me?

Cameraman
Doubt it [Bella glares at him] – er, I mean, you never know. But your guest today is no sucker; he’s a famous author.

DC
Tom Peters, the author? What did he write – Peter Pan?

Cameraman
[Sighs] No, Bella, that was J.M. Barrie. Even you should know [Bella glares at him again] –er, I mean to say, you’ve probably forgotten that Tom Peters is the author of the best selling business book, In Search of Excellence.

DC
[Looks down her nose at the papers] Tell Mr. Peters there is no need to search for excellence; he can just look at me! My viewers at Indytainment Today TV will tell him that.

Cameraman
[Mutters] Not sure what your viewers will tell him but …[seeing Bella looking his way] Tom Peters will be here any minute now. Don’t you want to read up on the summary I printed out for you?

DC
[Touching up her make up] I don't need to read up on anything; I am the Media. I will ask him and he will tell me. That’s how it works, Cammie.

[A middle aged man in a business suit enters, ignores Bella, walks up to the cameraman and shakes his hand.] Sorry I’m late; your undocumented hallways misled me.

Cameraman
No problem. Glad you could make it. Let me introduce you to our anchorwoman, Decibella Chatterjee, who will conduct the interview.

Man
[Smiles at Bella] Hello! [Sits down in the guest chair and takes a book from his briefcase. Several yellow stickies mark pages in the book.]

DC
On camera, please – face this way [points to video camera, adjusts her hair, then puts on an artificial smile]. Now, viewers, we have the pleasure of speaking with one of the Towering Giants of Business, Mr. Tom Peters, author of the best seller, In Search of Excellence.

Man
No, no, no, no. You are in the presence of Mr. Pete Thomas.

DC
Not Tom Peters?

PT
He is a better-known, but less important, author.

DC
But – you look Indian! [Turning to Cameraman] Camraj, didn’t you tell me he’s a honkey? [More quietly] This guy looks more like a donkey! [Cameraman shushes her.] Never mind, you have an MBA from Stanford University, don’t you?

PT
Actually, I have an MBSA.

DC
What the heck is an MBSA? [Turning to Cameraman] Camraj….

PT
It is a Master of BS Articulation. [Looks at Decibella more closely] You do know “BS”, don’t you?

Cameraman
She knows BS very well, actually.

DC
Camraj! [Turns to Peter] At least, is your MBSA degree from a reputed school like Stanford? Or is it from Slippery Rock State?

PT
My degree is from Satanford University, a lesser-known but better reputed school. And, I am actually not just an author, but an authority on business. I literally “wrote the book” as most educated people know. Do you understand?

DC
No, I don't. I am the Anchor, so I don’t understand; if I stand at all, I upperstand. [Attempts to climb up on her desk; Camraj persuades her, with difficulty, to step down.] But I don’t need to stand up for anyone; they can stand up for me, while I sit comfortably. [Sits down and puts her feet up on the desk.] So I uppersit. Now, tell our viewers, if you can, about your book on Management by Objectives.

PT
[Patiently ignoring her, talks to Camraj] Please explain to your Anchor – by the way, usually an anchor is just a dead weight – that my book deals with a lesser-known but more important concept – namely, Management by Objection.

DC
Objection?

PT
Yes, objections. It is derived from the Golden Rule.

DC
Oh, you mean [searches her desk top, locates a book of quotations, and reads] “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you?”

PT
That may be what they teach in mid-level schools – like Stanford – but the real Golden Rule that I learnt at Satanford says “Do unto others as they would do unto you, given a chance; except, do it first and don’t give them a chance to reciprocate.”

DC
 Oh! They really teach that?

PT
Don’t forget the fundamentals, now…

Cameraman
You tell her! She may be no fun, but she is mental, all right...

DC
What don’t I forget? I mean, what’s fun-da-mental?

PT
Business is hierarchical, not lowerarchical.

DC
What the heck does that mean? [Starts fussing with her hair.]

PT
The corporation is like an arch. At the lower levels, it is straight. Therefore it is straightforward to climb the corporate ladder – if you are low enough.

DC
Just do your job and keep your nose clean?

PT
Essentially. A little bootlicking might not hurt, either. Keep in mind, though, that as you go higher, the arch starts to curve. In the same way, as you get to higher levels in a corporation – say middle management – it throws a curve at you.

DC
[Preening] I have a lot of curves…

PT
[Ignoring DC and speaking to the cameraman] So, to move up from Middle Management to Muddled Management – I mean, the executive ranks – you have to learn your objection lesson.

DC
You mean “object lesson”, don’t you, Mr. Educated Author?

PT
I said “objection lesson” and I mean “objection lesson”. I say what I mean and I mean what I say.

DC
[Turns to cameraman] And he is so mean!

PT
So, as a middle manager, you learn to object to other people’s suggestions, recommendations, plans and proposals; you know that, given a chance, they would certainly object to your suggestions, recommendations, plans and proposals. So you take care not to offer any suggestions, recommendations, plans and proposals. Just pick and choose from other people’s ideas, object to some of them vociferously, and accept others – usually the meaningless ones – grudgingly and provisionally; that is, until a practical demonstration can show the idea to be worthless. Then you can object to the idea, and to the person who wasted company time and resources by offering the idea.

DC
But what if the idea actually has merit?

PT
We’re talking business, not religion. Merit has no place here. Remember that the other guy’s win is your loss; and vice versa.

DC
But what about ethics?

PT
Ethnics may be factor in business, but ethics is not. Object away until you have accomplished your goal.

DC
And what is your goal?

PT
To get ahead. So you use objections to push other people behind and move yourself ahead. Mind you, that works with your peers. But objections are a 360° tool. Object to your staff – to keep them from moving up to your level. Object to people above you, so you can topple one or more of them and create an opening for yourself. Management by Objection is your all round tool.

DC
Fascinating. Any other words of wisdom?

PT
Actually, several. [Turning to cameraman] And she looks like she could use them all. Now, don’t depend on Objections alone. Think of them as one tool in a whole toolbox. Pay equal attention to Obstruction, Obfuscation, Ostracization and Occlusion.

DC
What?

PT
Those are the five “O”s. Visualize them intertwined, like Olympic rings, in Corporate Games.

DC
[Fusses with her appearance, then puts on a real fake smile, turns to the camera] There you have it, viewers – Pete Thomas, MBSA (Satanford University) and Authority on Business, telling you the way he sees it. I'm your host, Decibella Chatterjee.

END SCENE

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