Contract on America

This is another in our series of “fly on the wall” reports that some people call “fly in the ointment” reports.-Ed

Some Richbuttlican Party leaders are sitting around a table, discussing ways to wrest the November elections from the Democrats (easy) and from the Tealiban extremists (difficult).

From right to extreme-right, The Fly can see Minority Leader John Bummer (R-Nohio), Rep. Mike Dunce (R-Nindiana), Rep. Paul Lie-an (R- Nisconsin), Minority Whip Eric Can’ter (R-Old Dumminion) and other luminaries.

Bummer: We’ve got to do something, and quickly. If we don’t, I won’t be your leader after November.

Dunce: So? I’m ready to step in. [Back pedals when the others glare at him.] OK, OK, what I mean is – what’re you worried about? The Tea Party will run the Democrats out of town in November!

Lie-an: Yeah, that’s exactly what he’s worried about.

Bummer: Eric, the Tealiban will beat both the Democrats and us, don’t you see?

Can’ter: No, I don’t see that.

Dunce: Us? How can they beat us? What do you mean – us?

Bummer: The TP crowd don’t like us – Wall Street Richbuttlicans. They are all Main Streeters. They favor Pubertea, Inequalitea, Maternitea.

Lie-an: If the Tealiban take over Congress, we’d all be taking orders from Jim VarMint, Wrong Paul and Scary Paleface.

Bummer: So, to keep my job—and let you guys keep yours—we need to find a way to swing the momentum our way.

Can’ter: Just don’t do it – I mean, just keep saying “No”.

Lie-an: And keep repeating – No New Taxes, No Old Taxes, No Taxes No How, No Way!

Dunce: We have to be firmer than that…

Bummer: Let’s put out a document, laying out all our clichés, but sounding like we mean them. Something like Neutered Grinch did in ’94.

Dunce: I got it – a Contract on America!

Can’ter: That will never sell.

Bummer: No, Grinch called it a Contract with America. But that’s been done; we need to sound like we have fresh, new ideas.

Lie-an: Package ‘em however, but make sure you have all the same lies that got us to where we are at.

Dunce: Where’re we at?

Bummer: Well, let’s see. Tricky Dick had a Southern Strategy to alienate poor whites from poor blacks and middle-class whites at the same time.

Lie-an: Brilliant!

Can’t-er: Yeah, you couldn’t go wrong with that!

Bummer: Then, Ronald the Clown gave us Supplie Side Economics. Lower taxes and balance the budget.

Lie-an: Problem was, people started Following the Leader. So Joe Sixpak refinanced his house, bought a boat and a truck, and tried to live happily everafter.

Bummer: But see, Joe refinanced with a 30 year mortgage; and the payments came due in his lifetim.

Dunce: Yeah, he should’ve got a 100 year mortgage. That way, his great grand children would’ve got stuck with the repayment.

Can’ter: He couldn’t, because no bank was giving 100 year mortgages.

Bummer: Then we had George Tush, the Elder, with his 1,000 Pints of Busch Light. It left Joe with a bad hangover, and Clinton walked into the White House.

Lie-an: But, luckily, Monica took our money and did our dirty work for us.

Bummer: Then, Gore the Bore couldn’t sell the American public his Warning on Warming, even though he invented the internet. So W got elected.

Lie-an: Yeah, but W was too straight, and played into the Democrat’s hands. We really needed the Goomba at the top of the ticket.

Dunce: Goomba?

Bummer: He means “Chuck Yourself” Feney, the Goomba of Oilyburton.

Can’ter: But Feney ended up as the Veep, not the Pee. No good.

Dunce: Then McPain and Paleface suffered the Big Loss and put Osama – I mean, Obama – in the White House.

Bummer: So, we focused on Family Values. Like – no abortion, no stem cell research, no gay marriage.

Can’ter: Can’t do better’n that!

Bummer: And things were going well, until the TP folks started popping up. They want to really shrink the government – including social security, medicare, the EPA, the SEC, OSHA, …

Lie-an: I like that!

Bummer: Also, DHS and DOD.

Can’ter: Hey, wait just a cotton pickin’ minute. There’s a lot of DOD in the Old Dimminion.

Bummer: Now you see the problem. We’ve got to stop them. That’s why we need a new Contract, based on Family Values.

Dunce: I thought we had those already…

Bummer: But this contract is based on our real family. [Texts a quick message from his BlackBerry. Some swarthy guys in white suits, black shirts and white ties enter the room, carrying violin cases]. Gentlemen, I present the Cosa Nostra Richbuttlicana! [Swarthy guys open violin cases, reach inside – Cant’er, Dunce and Lie-an flinch –pull out violins, and start playing “Sicilians are breaking my heart”. Bummer holds up his hand, and the music fades to a soft background.] So, what shall we put in this Contract?

Lie-an: No more bail outs. Too many small businesses benefit, even if indirectly.

Can’ter: Bring back the Tush Tax Cuts.

Dunce: Drill, baby, drill!

Bummer: All good ideas. OK, we’ll write these up, call a press conference and present them someplace outside Washington.

Can’ter: We can’t go too far away, with this awful traffic – especially in Northern Virginia…..

Bummer: That’s OK, we don’t have to go all that far – just outside the Beltway. Now, I don’t think we should call this a Contract; we need a new name.

Dunce: Hedge against America?

Lie-an: Mike, I agree we want to hedge against Main Street and Lunch Bucket America taking over from the RBs who give us our campaign contributions…

Dunce: RBs?

Bummer: Rich Bastards, Rich Bitches, Robber Barons. But we got to call it something else, so Joe Sixpak can buy into it. Hmm….let me see, how about Pledge to America?

Can’ter: Can’t go wrong with that.

All nod in agreement and start drafting.