Derailed by
a Common Language
Anchorwoman
Decibella Chatterjee walks in to a classroom, followed by a heavily laden
camerman. DC stops, looks around,
sees no mirrors, takes one out of her purse and admires herself. Cameraman walks around, studying angles,
backgrounds and lighting; then sets up tripod and mounts camera; tests sound
levels and gets ready.
DC: Camraj,
are we ready? [Cameraman
nods. Meanwhile, instructor and
students have been watching all the preparations with interest.] Hi, I am Decibella Chatterjee [beams at
the instructor].
Instructor: I
am Priya Sethi. My boss told me to expect you.
DC: Is
he one of my fans?
PS: [Trying
to remember] He just said, ‘You will have to put up with an annoying media
intrusion today.’
DC: What? Cammie, did you hear that?
Camraj: You
should have heard what he told me when I asked for permission to broadcast from
this classroom today.
DC: Well!
[Doesn’t know what to say, gives up. Looks around, sees Baldev, Gurbux and
other boys gazing at her lustfully.
Cheers up.] Never mind, I
know my viewers want to see this Call Center business from the inside.
PS: What
you will see in my class room is the preparation for working in a Call
Center. We get run-of-the-mill
students [Students who understand English frown; others continue gazing at DC]
and turn them into passable Call Center operators.
DC: OK,
then! Let us get started. Proceed with your class. Cammie will
start recording; I will just stand here, looking good.
PS: Good
morning, students. I am Priya Sethi, and I will be your instructor for the
Error Lingua Productions course on Call Center English, offered on behalf of
your employer, Airhead Telecomm.
Airhead has retained us, as have many profitable enterprises, to teach
their Call Center employees the proper way to deal with customer calls.
Student
raises his hand.
PS: What
is it, Baldev?
Baldev: Miss, we are knowing English
already. Company employing us because we passed out English test only.
PS: I
know that, Baldev. But what you learned at your school – which was probably not
as good as this school [sniff] -- was
standard Indian English. That may be good enough to work at Byebye
Consulting Services or Ifnosys Corp; what Airhead Telecomm needs you to learn,
and utilize, is Call Center English.
Student
stands up but does not raise his hand.
PS: Yes,
Shrini?
Srinivasaraghavan: Kindly enumerate, in
descending order of importance, the differences between SIE and CCE.
DC: [Interrupting]
What is SIE? And CCE?
Camraj: Oh,
Bella!
Srinivasaraghavan: As should be clear to
the meanest intelligence – even an anchorwoman’s [DC starts to protest, Camraj
pacifies and silences her] – SIE is Standard Indian English; CCE is, needless
to say, Call Center English.
PS: That
is exactly what I am about to teach you. Listen carefully.
Studies have shown that 87% of all customer calls to a Call Center are
for a complaint. Of these, 95% are for the purpose of gaining $50 or more for
the complainant. Think of it! More than four calls out of every five are made
for extracting $50 or more from your company. Remember that customer’s gain is
your employer’s loss. What is it, Gurbux?
Gurbux: Why we don’t send a munda or a gunda to bash up complaining customer? Aphter all, we have name and
address in database.
PS: Gurbux,
Airhead Telecomm does not want to bash up its customers; that would discourage
them from spending money on Airhead products and services, do you understand?
So – talk to the customer, thank them for being your customer, sell them
additional products, services or contract extensions. But if they persist in
complaining or – worse – asking for a refund or a credit, then you switch to
CCE.
Here’s what you do. Forget all you learned in school about grammar.
Subjects, verbs, numbers, genders, tenses should all be disconnected, asynchronous,
unharmonious. Fracture the language to the point that the caller has trouble
understanding you. Speak calmly, politely, softly. Repeat platitudes often,
such as “You must be joking!” or “There is no question” or even “I beg your
pardon”. In fact, that last one is good for a lot of aggravation.
When you start to respond to the caller, repeat their complaint, but
distort the English so it sounds different. If they interrupt to correct or
contradict you, beg their pardon, and go back to the beginning. Repeat.
Always address the caller as “Saar”, if male; not as “Sir”, that is
standard. But “Saar” sounds close enough to appease the caller but secretly
amuses you because it is derived from “Saalaa”. If the caller is female,
address her as “Maydumb”, not as “Madam” or, God forbid, “Ma’am” – that is far
too Standard. “Maydumb” sounds close enough but, again, asserts your suspicion
that the caller may be dumb.
Srini: Kindly
give us examples of the foregoing.
PS: I
can do better than that. I am going to have you role play an interaction
between an irate cell phone customer and you, the Airhead Rep. Shrini, you read
this script, for the customer; Baldev, you read the lines for the Airhead Rep.
Now, go!
Rep: Airhead
Telecomm. Baldev ispeaking. Saar and/or Maydumb, your name is what?
Cust: Actually,
my name is Whatson. That is, Tommy Whatson, founder of Indian Business Methods.
Rep: Saar,
I beg your pardon.
Cust: I
am Tommy Whatson, President of IBM.
Rep: Welcome,
Saar. You are wanting what, Mr. Whatson?
Cust: I’m
having problems with my Airhead cell phone service; it keeps dropping calls…
Rep: Saar,
you must be joking!
Cust: What
do you mean, joking? Do I sound like I am joking? I can tell you your bills are
no bloody joke. You advertise a service, take my payment, can’t deliver quality
services and then tell me it’s a joke? You’ve got a nerve…
Rep: Saar,
there is no question. I am having several nerves, tendons and muscles. But why
you are dropping your cell phone? That is not good for the phone, are you knowing?
Cust: I
do NOT drop the bloody cell phone, although I should, preferably from a tall
building…It’s the damn phone that keeps dropping my calls. What is wrong with
your service?
Rep: Saar,
thank you for being Airhead customer. We are appreciating your business. But
your business is not appreciating. It is static-ing. You are paying same
monthly amount now as last year. You must be joking! You are not wanting
additional services – like video mail or textual harassment messaging?
Cust: First,
get your voice services to work correctly, consistently, predictably. Then talk
to me about additional services. Why should I buy anything else from your
company when you can’t even get the basics right?
Rep: Saar,
or Maydumb, as the case may be – we are working hardly to maintain your
loyolalty. We are wanting your business and willing to earnestly yearn your
revenue. You are wanting to drop your cell phone service? But you are calling
from your cell number. If you drop service, how I can be talking with you? There
is no question.
Cust: I
can’t deal with this. Good bye!
Disconnects
the call.
PS: Well
done, gentlemen. Class, remember, CCE is one of the tools Airhead wants you to
employ – since you want Airhead to employ you – to turn away customer
complaints. After lunch, we will take a look at the use of background noise and
sound effects to distract a complaining customer…
DC: That’s
it, Cammie. You can shut
down. Priya, that was very
interesting.
PS: Glad
you liked it.
DC: Liked
it? I learnt so much. First thing I have to do this afternoon
is switch my cell phone service.
1 comment:
Priceless. 'Textual harassment messaging' had me in splits!
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